Just Another Love Song
by Languish-Dreams
Summary: Complete. YukixShuichi. After years of frustration, can that which pulled two people together keep them from drifting apart? Or maybe, sometimes, love just isn't enough. Shuichi POV.
1. For Good

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 1: For Good_

This is so stupid.

I'm standing here outside my lover's apartment at seven at night having once again been thrown out. This time, however, I didn't do a damn thing. This time all I did was come home a little later than usual. That's all it took apparently. For months now Yuki's been like this. Kicking me out, ignoring me, and yelling at me over the slightest little things. I know a lot of it has to do with the latest book he's been working on. Writer's block seems to have slammed him upside the head pretty much everyday. And I guess I get to take the brunt of his aggravation and anger over it.

Lucky me.

After three years of being together you'd think I'd be use to this kind of treatment. But every time it happens it still hurts. Well, it use to anyway. For the last six months or so it hasn't really affected me as it use to. I thought it was strange the first time I was thrown out and I didn't cry at all. As a matter of fact I was almost happy about it. Sometimes being around Yuki is like being around a PMSing woman who's craving chocolate - that no one will let her have. Not pretty. That was when I got the apartment. After six months I pretty much call it home. Hell, I almost live there more than I do here at Yuki's. I have everything I could ever possibly need there, including a whole other wardrobe and computer. It wasn't easy, at first, to keep the existence of my own place a secret from everyone. Especially Hiro. When I finally got it completely furnished and decorated all I wanted to do was invite a bunch of people over to celebrate.

But I realized I needed a sanctuary from it all, from everyone. Everyone needs there own place to go, right? And the only places I had before anyone could find me at. It was either the park where Yuki and I first met or Hiro's house. Of course I don't go to Hiro's anymore. Not since he and Ayaka got married. I figured it would be a little awkward to show up at your best friend's house in the middle of the night, possibly interrupting 'quality time' between the two just because your bastard boyfriend kicked you out again. I know it's not a coincidence that I got my apartment right after Hiro and Ayaka got married. It took a long time to realize I was using my best friend as a distraction. I'd go over, sobbing and practically hysterical, crying on his shoulder until I couldn't anymore. He'd tell me what a bastard Yuki was and eventually he'd do or say something to take my mind off everything and that would be it. The next day, I'd go back.

Nothing would get solved at all.

When I'm at my own place, with no one else around, I can sit back and actually think over the problem. See if I was at fault or if it was just Yuki being Yuki. Nine times out of ten, I discovered, it was both of us. I was way too clingy and he was…well, he was a cold-hearted bastard. I tried everything to make this work between us. I tried calming down - not screaming and talking all the time and actually acting like a 'normal' person. All that got me was a trip to the doctor's office because Yuki thought I was horribly sick. At least it showed he somewhat cared. I tried being less demanding and less talkative. That also resulted in a trip to the doctor's office. It seemed anything that involved me being quieter resulted in a trip to the doctor.

Finally I gave up on trying to change and instead took a good, long look at myself. I never realized until I tried to be a quiet 'normal' person, just how hyper and loud I actually was. So, during those nights at my own place, I started questioning why I was that way. Why I was so damn emotional over everything. The psychology books I bought on the subject seemed to suggest that I was 'seeking attention in order to validate my own existence.' Made sense in a way. Especially living with someone who completely ignores you all the time. This would, according to the books, only make the 'behavior problem' worse.

And I noticed while I was alone on those nights that I didn't feel like jumping around and acting idiotic like usual. I just felt like relaxing and reading, maybe watching some television or something. Maybe being on my own was helping to reveal my real self. After all, I'd always lived with someone else before. I always had an audience, so to speak. Perhaps my need to perform has always been in my blood. Maybe if I used that energy and feeling on stage and in my lyrics, Bad Luck would be even bigger.

That's what I decided and that's what I did. And good God the difference it made was incredible. I focused all that 'need' into my music and Bad Luck skyrocketed off the charts in a matter of weeks, pushing us far beyond anyone's expectations and accomplishing one of my personal goals: to be bigger than Nittle Grasper.

I shake my head slightly to clear away the thoughts. Standing here isn't getting me home any faster and Yuki's bound to come out soon to go on a cigarette and beer run. I pick up my shoes and slip them on, happy that he at least remembered to toss them out with me this time, even if they did hit me on the head.

As I start walking home I can't help but stray back to my earlier thought.

After three years of being together you'd think I'd be use to this kind of treatment.

I laugh softly aloud at my own stupidity. Use to this kind of treatment? Shouldn't things have changed by now? It's almost like I've been watching the whole world evolve around me while Yuki and I stand still: unmoving, unchanging, and uncaring. Well damn it all to hell I'm not going to sit still anymore! I may not be as hyper or idiotic as I once was, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be like Yuki and watch the world pass me by while I spew out the same recycled garbage to it.

It's a thirty-minute walk to my place and I stop to pick up a few groceries along the way. No body realizes just how much I've grown up in the last few years. I even learned to cook, though I did have to pay for the damages I did to my kitchen myself. That did kind of motivate me to be more careful and actually pay attention to what I'm doing. It's Friday night so I don't have to worry about getting to work until Monday. My apartment's actually closer to NG studios than Yuki's is. So I doubt I'll have any problems getting to work on time, even if I do wake up late. Lucky I had my cell phone in my pocket when Yuki kicked me out. Though I will need to change the number soon.

I slip the key in the lock and toe my shoes off after opening the door. I shut the door and lock it behind me, flip on the hall light, and make my way into the kitchen. It's not a big apartment or anything, but it's secure and clean. I've decorated the walls with a mix of Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck posters and few nice pieces of actual artwork that I like. It's a bit chaotic in a design sense, but that's me deep down. I find myself humming as I put everything away, having already decided to order a pizza instead of cooking tonight.

This is, after all, the first real night of staying in my apartment.

For good.


	2. My Place

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 2: My Place_

The weekend passes pretty quietly. I did doubt that Yuki would even notice I never came home until Monday after work, when no screams of "I'm back" echo through his apartment. It's been a long time since I entered and said "I'm home" and somehow I doubt he ever noticed that. But as far as Yuki noticing, I wasn't disappointed. Hiro called one time on Saturday, just checking in as usual. Ever since I stopped coming to his place whenever Yuki and I fight he's been calling every day off to check on me. I don't know what he expects me say since I'm not about to tell him about my apartment or the numerous amounts of times I've had to use it since he got married.

But he's my best friend and despite the fact that he hasn't had to comfort me while I sob my heart out, he's worried about me. And I appreciate that. Only now he knows that I do. I tell him every time he calls. Monday comes all too soon, though I know everyone will be happy. I managed to get three new songs written. They still need to be edited and played around with but it's two more than K had asked for. I still write love songs, but not nearly as many as I use to. Yuki stopped being my inspiration for writing a long time ago. Too volatile. If I waited for him to do something romantic to inspire me into writing, Bad Luck wouldn't exist and I'd be telling customers at K-Mart about the latest Blue Light special by now.

That brings a new thought to mind while I get dressed. I wonder what Tohma's going to think about me leaving Yuki. Even after three years he still doesn't approve of Yuki and my relationship, even though he finally backed off of trying to keep us apart. Tohma only wants what makes Yuki happy. It's a nice thought and all on Tohma's behalf, but he's only allowing Yuki to continue to think that his happiness is all that matters. I'm tired of being the doormat and sucking it in for his verbal abuse. I'm not going back until I know for sure things will change. And that's if I go back at all. Which I'm not.

I lock the apartment behind me, stretching slightly and sighing at the wonders of sleeping on a bed again. Yeah, three years and Yuki's couch is still where I've slept. I've only graced the presence of his bed a few times after sex when he was too lazy to kick me out; otherwise, I've pretty much made the couch my bed. I'm almost going to miss it. I had a nice little Shuichi's indent made out from sleeping there so long.

It takes less than five minutes to walk to NG studios and I'm humming the melody for one of the songs I just wrote as I wait for the elevator to arrive. I'm interrupted, however, by a scream and a sudden weight appearing on my back.

"SHHHHHUUUUIIIIIICHHHHIIIIII!"

I somehow get turned around and manage to chuckle, even though the weight of having Ryuichi Sakuma pinning me to the floor is slowly cutting off my air supply. Fortunately he noticed this and got off before I started turning purple again.

"Good morning Ryuichi!"

"Morning! I missed you! So did Kumagorou!" he grins happily then forces the pink bunny into my face.

"I missed you too!" I say, patting the stuffed rabbit on the head. "How was your tour?"

That was a good question and the rest of the elevator ride was filled with Ryuichi's thoughts on every city and fan he met while on Nittle Grasper's latest tour of Japan. We have to part ways when it reaches my floor, since Ryuichi was heading to Tohma's office, and I'm slightly grateful. He may be my idol, but sometimes he's more energy than even I can handle. By the time I reach the studio I've started humming again.

"Hello everyone!"

The usual chorus of greetings goes by until a cold metal is pressed against my skin. Turning around slowly, I'm greeted first by the business end of a gun and then by K's smiling face.

"And do you have anything for me Mr. Shindou? Hmmmm?"

I resist the urge to say something that might make K actually pull the trigger and smile instead.

"Sure do!" chirping that out, I thrust several sheets of paper his way. That, fortunately, gives a reason for the gun to be put away.

He looks over the lyrics for a few minutes then grins. "Let's get to work!"

K gives Hiro the papers and he and Fujisaki go over them several times before looking at me.

"What?" I ask. Surely there's nothing wrong with them. I might have been a little pissed off about the microwave breaking down and not being able to heat up that last slice of pizza but they can't be that bad.

"These are, without a doubt, your best work ever Shuichi!"

After hearing those words from Fujisaki's mouth, I have to pick my jaw up off the floor and force my eyeballs back into their sockets. We've worked together long enough that you could call us pretty good friends, but words of praise like that are still rare from our keyboardist. I can see Hiro grinning as well.

"Definitely. Where'd you get inspiration for these?"

I shrug and scratch the back of my head. "Umm…actually I was pissed at the microwave…"

I can see the disbelief covering their faces since they still believe Yuki's my one and only inspiration for everything I do. So I start laughing. Better to just let them think I was joking. And a few seconds later, that's exactly what they believe as they laugh with me.

I can't help but wonder what they'll think when they find out I left him.

By the end of the day, we're all tired. But it's a good kind of tired; the kind that says 'job damn well done'. We all walk out of the studio together, laughing at a joke Hiro told before waving good-bye to Suguru. The two of us watch as he disappears around a corner then turn back to each other to say goodnight.

"Want a ride? I'm sure you're eager to get home tonight."

I give him a look. Eager to get home? For what? "Nyah. I'll just walk."

I get a look in return. "Don't tell me you of all people forgot!"

Since I'm tired of the whole trying to convey questions with looks thing, I decide to just ask. "Forgot what Hiro?"

He sighs and shakes his head. "I can't believe you forgot your own anniversary."

Now I know my eyes are ready to pop out of their sockets. I rack my brains for a few minutes and then come to one conclusion: I did, indeed, completely forget the three-year anniversary of Yuki and I being together. Morbid as it seems, I was glad for it. Yuki might not notice, but there's was something in the revenge part of my brain that was secretly happy I left the novelist right before our anniversary. Strange things.

"OH SHIT!" I scream. I run around like an idiot, babbling on and on until I realize something.

Hiro's not buying it.

Seeing this, I stop and sigh.

"He kicked you out again, didn't he?"

I may not have wanted to reveal this so soon, but what the hell. Everyone's going to know eventually.

"Yeah. Friday night."

Now it's time for Hiro's eyes to bug out. "FRIDAY? Where the hell have you been staying since then?"

Damn it. I don't like lying to my best friend. "Well…"

I sigh again. I'm not about to start now.

"I've been at my place."

Hiro gives me a weird look. "Your place? What do you mean your place?"

"Got time to talk? Or do you need to get home soon?"

He shakes his head. "Ayaka's in Kyoto visiting family this week, so I've got all the time in the world."

"Then let's go to my place and talk."

He's probably still confused, but Hiro gives me the benefit of the doubt and just nods.


	3. Give it Up

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 3: Give it Up_

It's a little weird to have someone over since no one but me has ever been in my apartment before now. I give Hiro the grand tour of the place, which doesn't take very long. Like I said, it's not that big but it's comfy and it's home. Along the way I explain when I got it and why. I'm not surprised when Hiro forces me to tell him how many times I've had to use the place in the last six months and I know he's pissed. Not just at Yuki for kicking me out that many times, but at me for not at least calling him. And for not telling him I even got my own place.

We get back to the living room and the tension caused by my new revelation is thick enough to choke on. I knew Hiro would have to find out about my apartment eventually, and I knew he wouldn't like that I kept it from him. But I guess I never really thought about how to explain it to him.

"I'm sorry Hiro. I just never thought it was that important." I say after a few minutes of silence.

"Not that important? Shuichi, you've always come to me before and suddenly just stopped. You let me think everything was fine when it wasn't. Did you think you couldn't talk to me anymore because I was married? We're supposed to be best friends damn it!"

"And we are Hiro. But I just… I realized I was relying on you too much. I wanted…no, I needed to be able to handle my problems myself for a while, grow up a little y'know? It's not that I didn't trust you anymore and yeah, part of me didn't want to interfere with you and Ayaka, but it's more than that."

He sighed slightly and I could see some of the anger leaving. He never could stay mad at me for long.

"I wish you'd have told me about this sooner. What if something had happened? No one would of known where to find you!"

Actually, I hadn't even thought about that. I guess that's why we're such good friends. We kind of think of what the other one doesn't. The next step under a married couple we use to joke.

"Well, I've always been an impulse shopper…"

He slugs my shoulder lightly. "Idiot."

I grin. Nope, never could stay mad at me. I watch Hiro, as he looks around a bit closer.

"You've really got this place decked out like home."

I shrug. "Well, it is home. Now."

I can feel Hiro's eyes on me as I take a drink of tea.

"What do you mean by that? Did you and Yuki…"

I nod. "For the most part. When he kicked me out Friday, I decided enough was enough."

"So you're not going back?"

"Nope."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

I feel my eye twitch. "Yes Hiro. Really, really."

"Really, really, really?"

I slug him with a couch pillow and he starts laughing. I feel a bit lighter than I did this weekend. I may not be able to get love from Yuki, but I still need human interaction of some kind. Maybe I should have told Hiro sooner. At least he could have come over some of those times and horsed around with me. We keep trading punches and laughs until we're out of breath and Hiro sits up to look at me.

"You know. You don't seem too put off by all this."

I sigh. "Yeah. Sometimes I think maybe…maybe I haven't been in love with Yuki for a while now. Maybe I just didn't want to let go. I just couldn't give up."

Hiro snakes his arm around my shoulder and rests his head on mine. "When was the last time you cried over him Shuichi?"

I lean into the embrace and think for a few minutes. "About six months ago I think."

Hiro's arm tightens around me and his voice drops low. "I think it's about time you did."

And that's when the dam breaks.

I feel like shit after crying for two hours straight, but at least Hiro doesn't mind his shirt being wet. I'd been holding everything in, holding everything back for so long I let myself believe I didn't care anymore. I did care, it did still hurt; I just didn't want it to anymore. But I still stick by what I said to Hiro. I really don't think I love Yuki anymore. At least, not like I use to.

The entire situation is just too confusing. I was so sure, so positive before and now I only know one thing: I can't go back to the way things were. Whether or not I love Yuki is something I'm going to have to figure out for myself. In the mean time, I think it'll be a good chance for him to do the same about me. So I decide to stick by my decision. Hiro thinks it's a good choice and offers to spend the night. Having some company will definitely help so we rent some movies, order a pizza, and settle in for a night of goofing off, enough though we have to work tomorrow.

Hiro called Ayaka to let her know where he was, while I made kissy noises in the background and acted like a total jackass. I could hear her laughing on the other side even while Hiro was giving me dirty 'shut the hell up' looks. So I didn't stop until he hung up. Which, of course, ended up in another pillow fight. The whole night we acted like high school students again and it felt pretty good. No worries, no cares, nothing but two good friends and a lot of good memories.

We crawled into our respective sleeping places around midnight and I fell asleep almost instantly.

Sometimes it's good to just be a kid again.


	4. Celebrate What?

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 4: Celebrate What?_

The rest of the week flew by pretty quickly. We stayed busy with the three new songs I wrote and Hiro came over everyday to help me 'break in' my apartment. At least that's what he said. I think he's waiting for me to have a mental break down. I feel like it though, now that I have a new shadow following me around like that. I finally had to tell him that in order to get him to back off a little. I could feel myself slipping back into that 'use Hiro as a life anchor' that I was doing before. I needed to be able to function without anyone for a little bit. I need to know that I can take care of my own problems and myself. I still wanted and needed to talk things through every once in awhile, but ultimately it all comes back to me.

Fortunately, I managed to explain all this and Hiro understood. Who am I kidding? Why wouldn't he understand? That's what best friends are for! By Friday I was feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I hadn't received so much as a 'fuck you' from Yuki, or Tohma for that matter. I'm starting to wonder if maybe he hasn't even noticed I left yet. Somehow though, it's what one part of me expected. That not only did he not notice, but also if he did, he wouldn't care. He might even be happy about it. No matter how I feel about him, that thought hurts.

All week I've been trying to figure out how I feel about Yuki now. Do I still love him or not? And I haven't been able to get a straight answer out of myself yet. By the end of the day I'm just ready to go home and sleep the weekend through. We don't leave until almost nine o'clock, but we're rewarded with a three-day weekend for our extra hard work and late hours all week. Of course, it kind of blows K's attempt at being the nice guy when we realize Monday is a holiday anyway, but none of say anything. We just want to get home.

We part ways, Hiro heading off for home to sleep early. Ayaka's flight back to Tokyo is arriving pretty early in the morning so I knew he'd be heading straight to bed. I start to think about maybe heading out somewhere, but just thinking about it is making me really tired. I decide to skip going out and just head home.

I detour to the park, like I knew I would eventually, and sit down on a bench. I don't know why I keep getting drawn here. It use to be just habit, then it got annoying, and now… now it just is. I don't bother fighting it anymore; this place sucks me in like gravity. By the time I get up to head home it's after midnight. I can't even remember what all I thought about sitting there. Most likely just garbled junk, maybe even just nothing. I'm still tired, but I don't feel as bad as I did before.

I rounded the last curve towards the entrance when I see him. He's standing there, smoking a cigarette, and looking out across the Tokyo skyline with a sour look on his face. Almost like the first time we met. I stand there for a few minutes, just watching him before I realize that I don't feel anything. My heart's not pounding, I don't want to just run up and hug him. Nothing. I don't even feel guilty for leaving like I did. If I was in love with him, shouldn't there be something there? Shouldn't I feel something right now at seeing him?

I don't know what made him turn my direction, but the second he did our eyes locked. Now I did feel something. Sadness. Those golden eyes of his use to make me feel so much at once; love, anger, curiosity, fear; but now I don't feel a damn thing. And it's sad. Now I know. I know that I don't love him anymore. I keep his gaze, something I could never do before, and wait for his move. I expect something harsh, for him to turn around a leave, maybe even for him to be angry with me; but as he tosses his cigarette to the side and walks towards me, I can only see confusion in his eyes. He stops a fraction away and stares down at me. I can only look up back at him. Even when he's so close I can smell his scent I don't feel anything. It's like I'm numb. Denial maybe? I don't know.

"You left." He says softly.

I nod in return. "You did kick me out."

"But you didn't come back."

"You wanted me to?" I couldn't help but ask.

He doesn't say anything and I figure that question is answered. I'm wasting my sleep time for nothing, I figure, so I brush past him and head home. I only get a few feet before his voice stops me.

"Yes."

It's the first time in years he's said anything to let me think he's wants me by his side. But I still feel numb inside. I should be happy, elated even, that he admits to wanting me to come home. But there's nothing there.

"You…you missed our anniversary."

I turn around slowly, something new filling me, pushing the numbness away.

Anger.

"Anniversary of what Yuki? Of three years of you treating me like I'm nothing? Three years of being kicked out of your apartment? Or better yet, how about three years of me sleeping on your couch?"

He visibly winces at those last words and I'm glad. He's not a cold-hearted bastard all the time, and I'm grateful that those walls have come down for the moment. It'll make everything I'm saying sink in faster. I know I should stop now, what I just said was more than enough to get my point across; but I'm angry enough that I don't care anymore.

I can still feel something about all this. Maybe I do love him after all? Maybe I am in denial. Gods I still don't know anything anymore.

"Three years of being called an idiot. Three years of being told I have zero talent. Three years of never being told what, if anything, I mean to you. Do you honestly think I want to CELEBRATE any of that?"

His head is hung low now and he's shaking slightly. He's either pissed or crying. Somehow I don't care anymore. I decide it beyond time to go home so I can wake up tomorrow and regret everything I just did tonight.

"I'm going home. Back to the apartment I started renting six months ago so I wouldn't have to sleep in the streets every time you kicked me out. Why don't you go home and figure out what in the fuck we're suppose to celebrate three years of and get back to me on it?"

I leave him then, half stomping, half running until I reach my apartment building. I know I'm going to regret that in the morning, or at least I should. Actually, I hope I do. At least I'll know for absolute sure then.

If I don't feel guilty about tonight, I'll know for sure I don't love him anymore.


	5. Smokes and Blondes

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 5: Smoke and Blondes_

Saturday afternoon rolls around before my eyes open. It takes a few minutes and half a cup of coffee before last night rolls back to me.

I start itching for a cigarette; which is funny because I've never smoked before.

Humoring myself, I get dressed and head down to the local store and buy a pack and a lighter. Once I get home with my new purchases, I head out onto the balcony and finger a stick for a few minutes before I light it up. After three years of inhaling second-hand smoke, it only takes a few puffs before I'm smoking like I've been doing it for years. Now, at least, I can see why Yuki smokes. I feel a lot calmer.

Wait, I was upset? I stare down at the cigarette in my hand for a few minutes and then flick it over the railing. Then I grab the pack and light another. By the time the sun sets I've smoked half a pack and ate cold leftover pizza.

And I stink like no tomorrow. It's only then that I realize I slept in my sweaty clothes all night and never did take a shower. A few more pizza boxes and empty beer cans and my place would look like a bachelor's pad. I laugh at the thought for a few seconds until last night starts replaying in my head. I grab the cigarettes and light another.

Damn. I do feel guilty.

I might still love the bastard after all.

I sigh as I look down at the pack of smokes, Yuki's brand. I wasn't even paying attention when I bought them. Force of habit I tell myself. I did buy his cigarette a lot of times, after all. Somehow I'm back on the balcony and somewhere in the house my cell phone is going off. I ignore it, preferring to stare out at what parts of the city I can see from my third story apartment. A few seconds later and it's going off again. Oh yeah. It's Saturday. That's probably Hiro calling.

I head back inside, cigarette clenched between my teeth as I search around for my cell phone. I finally find it just as it stops ringing. Figures. I bring up the missed calls list and see Hiro's number twice. The phone goes off just as I'm about to dial his number and I answer it.

"Hello?"

"There you are! What the hell took so long?"

"What are you paranoid 'mother'?"

I hear him laugh on the other end. "With you I never know. What's up?"

"Not a lot Hiro. Just munching on leftover pizza."

"Ewww…" he makes fake gagging sounds on the other end. "So gross Shuichi."

I grin. Hiro can't stand eating pizza cold. One of his little ticks in life. "MMmmmm…." I decide to tease him and make like I'm eating it now, though I finished a while ago. I laugh when he starts making barfing noises.

"God you're weird."

"Just like everyone else." I chuckle.

"Anyway, wanna go out tonight? Maybe to a club or something?"

"You're allowed to?"

"Yeah. The old ball and chain is already tired of me…" I hear the phone drop to the floor and the sound of someone getting beaten with a pillow. At least I hope it's a pillow. A few minutes later a breathless Ayaka picks up.

"Forget what he just said Shuichi. I'm afraid Mr. Nakano won't be going anywhere for awhile."

"That's because you broke half the bones in my body woman!"

I couldn't help but start laughing as the sounds of Hiro getting further brutalized come through the phone.

"He'll talk to you later!" Ayaka chirps out, even though it sounds like she's still whooping up on him.

I hear a muffled 'bye Shuichi' in the background before the phone goes dead. And he calls me weird? I've woken up a little now, and thanks to the antics of my best friend and his wife, I actually feel pretty good. I finish the cigarette in my hand and put it out in a nearly empty soda can. Instant ashtray I snicker. Deciding not to fall into old habits, I spend the next hour cleaning the place up. Another reason why I like a small apartment: takes so little time to clean. By the time I shower and change it's almost eight. I wasted most of the day sleeping and cleaning. Well, and smoking too. If I'm going to start this habit I should probably go buy a carton and save some money. Though, being a singer, this isn't really the wisest of habits to pick up on.

The doorbell going off interrupts my thoughts and I feel my entire body freeze up. Only so many people could be at the other side. I can mentally check Hiro off, having talked to him a little bit ago. He, no doubt, wouldn't be going out tonight. That only left Yuki, if he was brave enough to look me up; or Tohma, the only other person who could hunt me down and would bother to show up. The doorbell rings again and I finally get up. Might as well.

I look through the peephole, but can only see blonde hair. Well that sure as hell doesn't help. I sigh and turn the deadbolt, leaving the chain in place as I open the door a crack. If it's Yuki and he's pissed, the chain will stop him long enough for me to slam and re-lock the door.

Shit. It's Tohma.

"What can I do for you Mr. Seguchi?"

The blonde President gives me that 'we need to talk' creepy smile. It almost makes me shudder, even now. I manage to suppress it though, point for me.

"May I come in Mr. Shindou? I need to talk to you about something important."

I doubt I'm going to like what he's got to say. But he is my boss, so it's not like I have a choice. I shut the door and un-do the chain before opening it up and stepping aside to let him in. I watch his head go back and forth while he head to the living room, no doubt assessing the place in his mind as he goes. He sits down on the couch, resting his hands in his lap, looking for all intents and purposes like a harmless friend coming to give you sage advice.

Such bullshit. He might as well be a wolf wearing a sheep's costume.

Or a shark in a really disco looking hat.

"Would you like something to drink?" Must behave. Must remain polite.

"No thank you. I must admit, you've done a wonderful job in decorating your apartment. It's definitely you."

I study him for a quick second and decide he's being as honest as he gets. Compliments aren't given out in mass from Tohma, and they're usually sincere.

"Thank you Mr. Seguchi." I decide to just let him control the conversation. It makes things easier on me.

"I was surprised, of course, to learn today that you and Eiri had broken up."

That surprised me. Tohma had only found out today? I don't get the chance to say anything before he speaks again.

"Have you been smoking?"

I can feel the heat rising to my face. I didn't even think to hide my makeshift ashtray, or the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table.

"Ahhh…yes?"

A look passes over his face then. It's brief, but it was there. It almost looked like…pity? Sadness? I'm not sure.

"So this has affected you."

I cock my head to the side. "You thought otherwise?"

"Well I haven't heard anything from K or Sakano about odd behavior and Eiri never said anything until today."

"I see. You thought I didn't care at all."

He reaches out and picks up the cigarette pack, obviously noting that it's Yuki's brand and nods.

"Do you?" he asks quietly.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm so confused it hurts."

Tohma places the pack back down and turns to look at me. "Do you still love him?"

Somehow I knew that question was coming. Despite that fact, it still takes me a bit by surprise. Though Tohma wouldn't be Tohma if he didn't interfere and try to makes things work like he wants them too.

"I wish I could say yes Mr. Seguchi. But I don't want to lie to you. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel anymore. I think I do still love him, but I honestly can't be sure right now."

"If he wanted you back, would you go?"

"No."

That was automatic and the total truth. He looks shocked for a second. No one ever thought that I'd refuse to go back to Yuki. It would like the next apocalypse or something. At least, a few years ago it would have.

"May I ask why?"

I look at him hard. He may be my boss and Yuki's brother-in-law, but I do not like sharing my feelings with a man who might very likely turn around and use them against me.

"You don't have to answer that." He says.

Ah, he must sense my sudden hostility. I sigh again. No. Tohma might be a manipulative bastard but telling him will, in essence, tell Yuki. I have no doubt the moment he leaves he'll call my lover…ex-lover, and give him every detail of this conversation.

"I can't go back." I say quietly.

He sits quietly for a moment while I try to figure out how to explain this to him. I jump when his hands rests on my shoulder until I realize he's trying to give me a bit of support to talk.

It's a strange feeling considering the man has never really touched me before now.

"Nothing…nothing would change. I still won't be good enough to help him and he'll still be treating me like I'm nothing. You've put up with it longer than I have. I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."

That's beyond true. Even though Tohma isn't Yuki's lover or anything, he's still been putting up with the man's cold attitude for years and years. He knew him when he wasn't like this, so I can understand how it has to be so much harder for him to deal with the way Yuki is now. Tohma's a pain in the ass most times, but I respect him for that.

My head is starting to hurt. Do I even have aspirin?

"What if he changed for you?"

"I don't want that!"

The hand removes itself from my shoulder at that sudden outburst. Tohma's probably pretty damn confused right now, and for once, it's showing on his face.

"If Yuki changes the way he is, I want it to be because he wants to change. Not for me, not for anyone else, for himself. I've always loved him for who he is. But I always hoped that one day he would want to heal himself. That he would want to love me back. But I never wanted him to change for me. But I can't take it anymore. I'm not strong enough to wait as long as he needs to heal. I'm just…just…"

I can feel the tears behind my eyes and push my hands against them, willing them not to fall. Tohma is quiet, allowing me the chance to collect myself before he asks.

I should have a bottle of aspirin around here somewhere.

"You just what, Shuichi?"

"…I'm just…afraid..." I manage.

God I feel really tired right now.

"Afraid?"

"That when he does heal himself…he'll realize how worthless I really am."

I have no idea where all this is coming from. It's like my brain is on autopilot and I can't stop my mouth from going on. Is this…is this what I really think? Do I really think I'm worthless? Damn it all this time and it's me? Maybe I'm finally having that mental breakdown. Check please!

It takes a few minutes to realize I'm crying now; and a few more to process the fact that I'm being held. Tohma, who never seemed to like me at all, is hugging me. He's…fuck, he's comforting me!

I think I'm dreaming.

Someone wake me up!


	6. Truce

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 6: Truce_

I do manage to wake up. Only the last week is not a dream like I'd hope. Actually I'm not quite sure where I'm at when I open my eyes. It's not my apartment and it's not Yuki's. So…

"Ahh, you're up."

I blink a few more times before the hazy figure coming towards my bed becomes clear.

"Mr. Seguchi?"

He smiles and hands me a glass of water, which I'm more than glad to take.

"With everything that's happened, I doubt you even noticed you were getting sick. You must really learn to take better care of yourself."

"Sick?"

Tohma nods. "You had a pretty high fever last night. I had a doctor examine you. You're at my place, by the way. I'm sure you were wondering."

Ahh, yes. Last night when I cried myself to sleep in Tohma's arms, I remember now. That was beyond weird. Maybe the last three years have softened him up? Or maybe I'm just too valuable to lose right now.

"I've already called K and informed him that you shall be having next week off. Bad Luck hasn't had a proper break in a while. I think it's time you all got some rest."

I smile a little. "Thank you Mr. Seguchi."

"Please, call me Tohma. After three years it seems silly to hang on to such formalities."

I nod. "Only if you'll call me Shuichi."

He smiles. "Very well, Shuichi. I won't fight this demand from you."

I grin. I must be delusional or the fever hasn't left yet. Either way, a truce with Tohma is all right by me.

"Now, get some rest. You can stay here as long as you like or go home. It's your choice. But I do hope you'll stay at least until your fever has gone down."

"Thank you, Tohma. I appreciate it."

"Not at all. Are you hungry?"

My stomach takes the opportunity to answer for me, giving a loud growl that makes Tohma laugh softly.

"I'll take that as a yes."

He heads towards the door, stopping once he reaches it to turn back to face me.

"Oh yes. Shuichi?"

"Yes?"

"You are not now, nor have you ever been, worthless."

I feel my mouth drop open as he leaves the room.

That was unexpected.

I actually have a pretty good idea as to why Tohma is acting the way he is. Yuki must be feeling guilty due to the things I said to him the other day and Tohma thinks we're better off together. So, he must be buttering me up in order to convince me to go back to Yuki.

Because, after all, what's best for Yuki is all that matters. Right?

It's the only logical thing I can think of right now. In three years Tohma has never, never done or said anything that could be even slightly mistaken as affection towards me. Is it any wonder I'm questioning his motives right now? I don't really care anymore. Right now I'm trying to figure out if what I said to Tohma last night was true or if it was just fever-induced ramblings. God I must be preoccupied to not realize I was sick. Of course, there was the whole sleeping until mid-afternoon thing, but I didn't even think about it. I was a bit stiff yesterday, come to think of it.

I really should start taking better care of myself. It's doesn't do good to want to be independent if you self-destruct a week into it.

By theafternoon Mika's been in here more times than I can count. Fortunately, the two of us have become a bit close in the past three years, so it hasn't been awkward having her fussing over me a bit. She likes to dote on people and I like the attention. We'd be closer if our ideas of what's best for Yuki didn't clash every once in awhile. But our feelings towards Yukiare what eventually caused us to become friends in the first place, so it's all right. I think she was yelling on the phone to him earlier. Something about 'not taking proper care of' something and 'driving' someone 'to the point of being physically sick.'

Dense as I may be sometimes, I can fill in the blanks with my name.

Actually, I found it ironic since a few years ago she was practically saying the same thing to me about Yuki. It's rather weird how things change without you realizing it. I must have fallen asleep at some point, since when I open my eyes nextit's night out. I glance at the clock by the bed and see it's almost midnight. I guess I'm staying the night then. It's a little late to be asking for a ride and too far to just walk. I sigh and get up to go to the bathroom.

God this place is huge! I think I'm lost now.

I see a set of stairs, which I know I didn't pass on my way to the bathroom. But there's a light on down there so I figure I'll pass some time and see if anyone's up. When I reach the bottom, I can just hear the voices coming from a room close by. Making my way over towards the doorway, I can finally make out who they are and what they're saying.

"You know I never approved of this relationship Eiri. But after three years even I must admit defeat. Shuichi has never given up on you and we can all see the difference he's made. He loves you Eiri, even now when he's questioning that fact, he still loves you. And he's a good man despite that. I'm only sorry that it took so long for me to see how much he really cares about you."

"Then why did he leave?"

I have to admit I'm a bit shocked. Not because Yuki's here, it's only natural that he'd go to Tohma to talk to. Well, eventually. More than likely Tohma brought him here to talk. What shocks me is Tohma. I guess I was wrong. He wasn't just trying to get us back together.

"This is up to you and Shuichi to figure out, Eiri. If you love him, and I know you do, then try to work this out. This is the first time he's ever wavered; show him you want this relationship to work just as much as he does."

"What if he-"

"When you ran Eiri, Shuichi followed. And every time he got you back. Now he's running and it's your turn to follow. It's all up to you now."

The two were silent for a few minutes, no doubt Yuki was thinking about what he was going to do next. I realized I should probably go back upstairs before they found me out and quietly crept away. It took a few minutes to relocate the bedroom I was using, but I finally managed. Everything looked so different at night. I didn't have this problem getting around this afternoon.

I had just gotten comfortable, having decided to put off thinking until the morning when I might hopefully feel better, when the door opened. I kept my eyes shut and feigned sleep, figuring it was Tohma or Mika doing a quick check up. I almost jumped when voices started whispering back and forth.

"I told you he was asleep."

"I know. I just wanted to see him."

I could hear someone coming closer and fought tooth and nail with myself not to open my eyes. I felt a hand cup my cheek and immediately knew it was Yuki. I leaned into the touch involuntarily; a small smile making it's way onto my lips before I could even think about it. Tohma's voice came from the other side of the bed. No doubt he wasn't comfortable with the thought of me possibly waking up while Yuki was touching me. He had promised earlier that he wouldn't force me to do anything and he wouldn't make me see Yuki unless I wanted to. I hadn't believe him then, but now I can't help but see he was being truthful.

"Eiri." He whispered. "We should go before he wakes up."

There was a pause, but Yuki's hand never left. Instead, he started to slowly stroke up and down my cheek lightly. Strange, but it felt really good to have him touch me. Maybe I do still love him. I seem to be jumping back and forth between loving him and hating him now. Might as well just go with what works at the moment.

"I do this every night." Yuki says softly. "Just watch him sleep. He always leans into my hand like that. Like he knows it's me."

"Eiri…"

"I don't know why I can't be who he wants me to be…"

"Eiri. Shuichi doesn't want you to be anything other than yourself."

I hear Yuki snort before he can stop himself. Both men are quiet for a few moments before they realize I'm not 'waking up'.

"Being myself is what pushed him away in the first place."

"But is the way you act really you, Eiri? Look at yourself right now. Tender, gentle, and loving. When he's awake you're cold as ice. Which are you? Which is the real you?"

The hand leaves and I want to whimper in protest. It's been over a week and even though I'm confused, I can readily admit that I do miss Yuki. I'm not sure about anything else concerning him, but I do miss him.

"I don't know." he says softly.

"Then figure that out, Eiri. Figure out who you really are. You need to as much as for Shuichi as you do for yourself."

Nothing else is said and I hear the two of them leave quietly. I have no idea what's going to happen next, not after a conversation like that.

But I can't help but feeling like I want to find out.


	7. Love? Hate?

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 7: Love? Hate?_

After much fussing about, I managed to convince Tohma to take me home. I still had a fever but all I really wanted to do was go home, take a long bath, and curl up in a bed that was at least semi-familiar to me. It didn't hurt that no one has a key to my place yet so I knew I wouldn't have any night visitors. I still wasn't sure what to make of last night. It probably would have been better if I'd really been asleep and didn't have to hear that conversation. Even though I was so sure a few days ago that I didn't love Yuki anymore, all I want to do now is run back to him and tell him I didn't give a shit how he acted so long as I was with him.

God I'm weak.

I was hoping a few more days of independent living in my apartment would squash some of those old feelings that were popping up. Once we get there Tohma walks we to the door, even though I say I'm fine. Then he sees me inside, even though I say I'm fine. I think I'm starting to understand why Yuki gets so pissy whenever Tohma and Mika come over.

Eventually I get the man to go home and quickly dive into a hot bath. I keep struggling to stay awake; the hot water feels so good…

The doorbell wakes me up and I immediately start to shiver. Damn, how long was I in here anyway? The water is freezing now! I crawl out of the bath, feeling worse after my nap instead of better. Well, I doubt many people would advise falling asleep in a hard tub immersed in water anyway. I dry off as fast as I can managed and throw a robe on. The doorbell goes off two more times before I finally get to it. I don't bother peeking out the hole this time; just throw it open, expecting Tohma or Hiro to be on the other side.

Of course I'm wrong.

It's Yuki.

We stare at each other for a few minutes; obviously we're both nervous. Or rather, he's nervous and I'm really embarrassed for some reason. I guess I'm still feeling guilty about yelling at him like I did. Though now I don't know why I should feel guilty. It's not like I lied when I said all that I did. Okay, if we keep standing here like this I'm going to pass out.

"Do you want to come in?"

He nods quickly, a bit of relief flashing across his face and I step aside to let him in. Honestly, is this a good idea? I guess we should probably talk at some point. But does it have to be when I feel like shit run over and lit on fire? We make our way to the living room and he, like Tohma, glances around at my apartment and takes it all in.

"Do you want anything to drink?"

God I sound so formal. He might as well be Tohma. Well, before my emotional collapse the other day.

"Um…no. Thanks."

I nod. "Okay. Then I'm just gonna go get dressed."

I don't wait for a reply, just bolt towards the bedroom. I know I'll feel a bit better if I'm a little more covered than a flimsy bathrobe. By the time I have clothes on again, I start to wonder if it was such a good idea to leave Yuki to root around my apartment. No doubt he's found my cigarettes by now…

He's holding them up to me when I re-enter the living room. Yep. He found them all right. He's doesn't look too happy about that either.

"You started smoking?"

"One afternoon." I answer.

I watch his eyebrow rise. "You smoked almost a whole pack in one afternoon?"

I shrug. I don't know if he cared or what. Why is everyone jumping on me about this anyway? I haven't had one since then.

"When did you start?"

"That afternoon."

He starts to open his mouth, most likely to continue his little interrogation, but I'm more than tired of his stalling.

"I have a mother thank you. Is this what you came here for? Because I already heard it from Tohma."

Yuki seems unable to speak for a few minutes. I actually surprised myself. Normally I would have just kept quiet, answered his questions, and listened to him go on about whatever until he was done. Then agreed to whatever he said like a good little boy. Well damn it, I'm not a good little boy anymore and I'm tired of being treated like I should be.

It takes the shocked expression on his face and a few minutes before I realize I said that last little bit out loud. I watch him sit down rather heavily on the couch before I join him.

"Why did you come here, Yuki?" I ask quietly.

"I just…I…don't…know." he finally says.

"Do you miss me at all?"

He seems taken back by this question. "Yes, I do."

The lack of hesitation in his answer eases my mind a little. Of course, I can't help but wonder why it eases my mind. Maybe I've gone insane from everything that's happened.

"Did you want to ask me something? Or tell me something?"

"I…"

Whatever it is, it's something hard for him to get out. I swear if he suddenly starts saying he loves me I'm going to go off the deep end. Because then I'll know I'm dreaming and for the love of God this isn't fair!

"I want…to find myself." He says quietly. "But I need your help."

I sigh. "I've been trying to help you for years Yuki. You didn't want it then, why should I give it now?"

The look on his face suggests he was not expecting that. I do still want to help him, I really do. But after three years of effort I don't think I can take anymore. He stares at me for a few minutes before he finally answers.

"Because I'm going to try this time."

Interesting. Of course, it would have helped if he had tried in the last three years. But then, we wouldn't be where we are now if he had. Then again, a lot of things wouldn't have happened if Yuki had put a little effort into things in the last three years. I feel like I've been dragging him along kicking and screaming all this time, only to let go and have him turn around and ask why I stopped. It's a bit frustrating.

"Why?" I ask.

"I want to find myself. For me, for you, for us; for the us I know we could have been if I had tried before now. I just want to be alone and at the same time, I don't want to lose you."

I take a breath. I had to; he just described exactly how I'd been feeling the last few months. The need to be alone but wanting to stay with him; we're obviously not as different as everyone thought we were.

"Can I…can I think about it Yuki?"

I can see a flash of disappointment cross his face. I would love to give him an answer right now but being sick and with everything happening so damn fast, I just needed time to think for a few days. Finally he nods and I stand up. Yuki follows suit and a few seconds later we're by the front door. He gets his shoes on then turns before stepping outside.

"Shuichi?"

I look up, an automatic response whenever he actually uses my name. I swallow as he steps a bit closer than necessary, considering we're not together right now.

"For what it's worth…"

He leans in suddenly, capturing my lips with his own. My whole body freezes, every nerve on end as the long-missed contact occurs. My eyes widen then close and I feel his hands cup my face softly and instinct kicks in before I can stop it. The kiss deepens, neither of us wanting to part but both knowing going any further would be a huge mistake right now. Yuki finally pulls back, leaving us both slightly out of breath and he leans to the right to whisper in my ear.

"…I'm so very sorry."

He pulls back, kissing my forehead lightly before pulling away completely, turning and leaving without looking back. I didn't know what my face looked like at that moment, but I knew if he turned to see it, he'd never be able to leave.

Why do I get the feeling that loving him is closer to the truth than not?


	8. Aspirin

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 8: Aspirin_

I think it's Monday.

I'm not too sure, the past few days have gone by pretty quick. Not that's it's really important what day it is since Tohma gave Bad Luck the week off and all.

But it's usually a good idea to keep track of these things. You know, to make sure you haven't completely lost your mind.

Which, I think I have. I've had two emotional breakdowns, started smoking, gotten sick, made a truce with Tohma, and been kissed by my usually frigid ex-lover. Damn, that is one hell of a week.

I'm waiting now to get hit by a bus. It'd complete things.

I managed to cook eggs for breakfast though, but I had to scramble them since I was in the mood to whip up on something and I do want my security deposit back when I move out. Well, if I ever move out. I was so sure when I left Yuki's apartment that night that I knew what I was doing, what I was feeling. I was so sure at one point that I didn't love him anymore. Now I keep flipping back and forth, positive in each breath that I love him and in the next that I hate him. Maybe it's both. Can you do that? I guess you can.

The question of 'what is love exactly' flipped into my brain at one point, but I'm not much for philosophy so I let that one go. I'd spend eternity going over it in my mind and never be able to come up with an answer. Hell, civilization has been trying for eons and no one has been able to come up with something I consider a plausible definition.

Wooo, big words Shuichi. Slow down you might hurt yourself.

I sigh audibly as I flip through the channels. I'm not really watching TV or anything, just channel surfing. I really, really wish I were an idiot again. That the last three years had never happened and I was still madly and blindly in love, not caring about Yuki's harsh words and cold looks so long as I got to be with him.

But, then again, if I were still that way nothing would change. It's still hard to believe Yuki was here last night, that he said those things. I've been wondering all morning if he really meant them or if he was just trying to get me to come back home. He's done it before, after all. He read a bunch of mushy bullshit off cue cards trying to get me back one time so it's not like this could be any different. He could have been reading from a pre-memorized script for all I know.

Hmm…no. He couldn't have known my responses and Yuki's never been that good an improvising.

All right, I'll go out on a limb and say he meant it. What now? If I give him a chance, it'll just be one more chance he'll get to hurt me. Or maybe help himself and give me a reason to really love him again. Or just get me back in bed.

Arrrrggghhhhhhhhhhh!

Damn it! Is this love? Complete and utter misery and confusion? Flipping back and forth and never knowing what to do? What to say? What to even fucking think? I think I have a headache now. Do I even have aspirin?

It takes two hours and tearing the kitchen and bathroom apart, but at least I've answered one of my questions.

I have aspirin. Or better still, I have an aspirin bottle. Apparently, I've taken it all.

So I decide to do what Yuki would do in a situation like this.

I light one up. Hell, why not? It might not help my headache, or make the cold I managed to catch go away, but…

Hmm. Why am I smoking then? Let's just put this out. No sense going on a pity party and having an emotional breakdown now. Two was enough thank you.

Okay, I seriously have to think this one out. Yuki wants my help this time, shouldn't I want to help him? I've spend years trying to crack those icy walls around his heart and here's my chance at last, so shouldn't I want to give it a try? I guess in a way I do, but I also don't want to end up just getting hurt again. I don't want to go back and have to keep my apartment just in case he starts kicking me out again. I don't want to be called an idiot and a moron anymore. I don't want to have to plead and beg for him to pay just a few minutes of attention to me or to take me out somewhere. Hell, after awhile I didn't even care if we went out, just so long as he got off his laptop and actually spent some time with me.

Pretty sad. Yuki never really changed, I did. The way he acts now is no different than how he acted when we first got together. Well, not really different. I guess. He has changed a little I suppose.

Well, there was that one time…

_I stood in front of the apartment door, trying to catch my breath. It was pouring cats and dogs out and I just ran all the way home in it. My entire body is completely soaked and my clothes are sticking to me. Blah, gross. I would go inside but I'm just going to drip water all over the floors and that'll piss Yuki off and then he might kick me out and…_

_"What are you doing?"_

_I look up to see Yuki standing in the doorway. I guess I took a while trying to figure out if I wanted to stay out long enough to dry off or go inside and risk Yuki's wrath for dripping all over the place. Why'd he open the door anyway? Was he going somewhere?_

_"Idiot. You're off early. I was going to pick you up."_

_I think my eyes just rolled out of my head. "You…you were?"_

_Is that amusement in Yuki's eyes? Does he think giving me a coronary by being nice is FUNNY?_

_"Idiot, of course I was. It's pouring out. Now get your skinny butt inside and into the shower before you catch a cold."_

_He turns and starts walking off. I think I'm in shock, call an ambulance! A few minutes of my mouth hanging open later I feel a very thick, very warm, and very soft towel being draped around me. It feels like it's just out of the dryer…_

_"Y-yuki?"_

_"Who else?" he snorts. "I told you to get inside before you catch cold."_

_He starts pushing me inside, letting me pause long enough to wiggle out of my wet sneakers._

_"B-but your floors Yuki!"_

_"It's only water. Get in the shower, Shuichi."_

_I manage to pull the towel off my head and watch as he walks down the hall and back to his study. I can only stare and wonder where the real Yuki went._

Yeah…that was a pretty nice day after all. By the time I managed to get into the shower and start to get warm I had company. Not a shower that I think I'll ever be able to forget. I can feel myself smiling as I wander around the kitchen, searching for something quick and edible to fix for lunch.

Of course, reminiscing about the few moments that Yuki was actually kind or nice to me isn't really solving anything right now. Actually wait, it isn't? Doesn't this kind of prove that Yuki has changed a little bit already? He may not have been trying to move away from his past, but a different kind of Yuki has shown through before. Probably quite a few times if I really stopped and added them all up. So maybe this could work. Maybe if he does put some effort into things, it'll get better after all.

And maybe I'm just trying to go back to the over-optimistic idiot I was before.

I sigh and decide on pre-packaged noodles today. I don't think I've really gotten anywhere, I just keeping going in circles.

Someone stop the world, I want to get off!


	9. Nursemaid

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 9: Nursemaid_

Well, it's official.

I'm in complete and total shock.

I've been trying, vainly, for the past hour to figure out what day it is.

Of course, after a phone call like the one I just received, I'm surprised I'm still breathing. Damn Hiro sure knows how to scare the crap out of someone! He calls, completely out of breath and starts ranting about Ayaka and doctor and a lot of things I just could not understand. I practically had to scream at him - well, I did scream at him, which was a mistake since my cold's only gotten worse and now my throat's all scratchy and it really kind of hurts to talk…

Anyway.

After he finally calmed down and took a breath, which really did remind me of how I use to be and I vaguely wondered if speaking in such long sentences was as annoying to everyone else as it was for me, he explained in a half-way calm manner what in the hell he'd been going on about.

Ayaka was pregnant.

Pregnant.

And apparently, though he'd only received this news a few hours ago by his wife, who had called from the doctor's office, which had caused Hiro to rush straight over nearly getting a speeding ticket along the way…I wonder if it was annoying when I rambled like he did too…

Long story short: They wanted me to be the baby's Godfather.

So here I was, two hours after Hiro had called and hung up before he even got a reply - shouting simply that he had tons of people to call, I was still sitting on the couch holding the phone.

Life really was moving forward I realized.

Where the hell was I?

Sitting on my couch and surrounded by half-empty bowls and wadded-up tissues.

Gross.

Even though it'd probably been going off for the last two hours, the incessant buzzing through the phone eventually pulled me from my stupor. Hiro…was going to be a father…

Sly little dog.

I couldn't help the grin that rose to my face at the thought of Hiro changing diapers.

I thought about calling him back and maybe getting a 'congratulations' out before he hung up again in his excitement, but decide against it. I haven't exactly been taking care of myself like I was told too and the effects are starting to wear my body down. It's not like I enjoying being sick or anything, good God no. I just…I don't even know. It's hard to take care of yourself when you feel like crap. I'd rather be pampered right now. At least someone else could cook and then I could have something other than instant noodles to eat.

I'd make something else, but just operating the microwave alone takes way too much energy.

Oh yeah. It's Wednesday. I remember now. We were suppose to have this week off so I could get well, not waste away because I'm actually too sick to get better.

Wow. That's ironic. Maybe I could make a song out of that.

I sigh and realize I haven't showered since Sunday. God I reek. Maybe a long hot shower will wake me up a little bit.

Might as well.

The shower helped, somewhat. I still feel like complete shit. And my stomach's growling. It doesn't seem to understand that I don't have anything really edible in the house to put in it right now and even if I did, I doubt I'd have the energy to stand up long enough to cook it. I sigh and bury my head further into the couch. It doesn't matter that I can't really breathe since I can't really breathe when I don't have my head buried in a cushion. God my head's pounding.

Oh wait, or is that the door? It's hard to tell the difference.

I try perking my ears up, but it doesn't help. I can't tell if my headache's gotten worse of if someone's knocking.

Fuck it all. I'm too tired to move right now.

Mmph. The pounding's stopped. It must have been the door after all.

Pity. I wonder who it was…

"Shuichi."

God, that was convenient. Creepy actually. What the hell is he doing here?

"I was wondering the same thing to be honest."

Did I say that out loud? Hmm. Funny.

I do manage to peel my head off the couch and turn it to face my visitor. I knew who it was, but I can't help my eyes widening in surprise to actually see him squatting down by the couch, staring at me with eyes filled with concern.

"Yuki?"

"I know, I know. You wanted to think about it. I just couldn't…I just…"

I feel a grin creeping up. Yeah, I understand. Yuki was always impatient.

"Sorry." I mumble. "I haven't been feeling well."

I watch his eyes flit around the room, taking in the dried up bowls of food and tissues along with my sure to be glassy eyes and completely limp body.

"Couldn't have guessed." He says lightly. "Have you even been trying to take care of your self?"

I can't help but groan. Damn it you try being this sick and take care of yourself, you bastard…

Whoops. The startled look on his face tells me I just said that out loud too. Being sick is interesting. Apparently, I have no brain. As the silence draws out I can't help but think I said that out loud too.

"Sorry." I croak out.

Yuki shakes his head. "I deserve a lot worse than just a 'bastard'."

I don't say anything to that. Of course, I agree.

"Come on." He says quietly.

I feel myself being picked up off the couch and carried down the hallway towards the bedroom. A few seconds later and I'm lying, a lot more comfortable I might add, in bed. Yuki brushes my bangs off my face before pulling the comforter up around me.

"You rest, I'll clean up and get some real food ready. Then I'll send Tohma over to take care of your sick butt."

I can't help but be confused. So he's going to come over and then leave me here with his brother-in-law? He sighs and I know he's read my thoughts from my expression. We both have a way of doing that to each other.

"We both have…a lot to think about." He says slowly. "If I stay here and take care of you it's only going to confuse you more."

He turns to leave and I, for some reason, grab his wrist. I take the fifth and blame the fever on this.

"Maybe." I say softly. "But it'll also give me an incentive to get well fast."

He turns and looks at me with a puzzled expression. "What's that?"

"To kick your ass out of **my **apartment for a change."

Yuki stares at me, his mouth open for a few minutes before he relaxes into an 'I deserve that too' grin.

I just got myself a nurse.


	10. Silent Questions

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 10: Silent Questions_

Being pampered fucking rules.

Okay, so Yuki's version of pampering is forcing me to stay in bed all day and bringing various boxes of take-out in every few hours and forcing me to eat. But still…

No more ready-to-eat noodles.

That's enough for me.

But it's rather annoying how happy he seems to be about my losing my voice. It doesn't bother me too much that I can't talk.

That just means Yuki has to answer the phone.

And talk to Tohma. HA!

I've got to hand it to him, he's better than I am about convincing Tohma and Mika not to come over and check on me. I swear I thought I was going to have to fake being well in order to get those two to back off. All Yuki has to do is growl a certain way and suddenly they're positive everything's fine.

Manipulative bastard.

I swear it's like a game with those two. And now that I actually have time to watch, it's kind of funny. Tohma comes over. Tohma insist Yuki's not taking proper care of himself. Yuki tells Tohma to back off. Much talking ensues. Yuki's stomach growls - Tohma asks when the last time he ate was. Yuki doesn't know. Tohma merrily skips off to the kitchen to cook.

Tohma wins.

Apparently, that happened once. At least, that's what I got from listening in to their last phone conversation.

Heh.

Today's round went to Yuki. I guess that 'I'm incredibly annoyed and if you want to be able to reach me for the next few days you'll back off' growl is like his emergency back up where his brother-in-law is concerned.

I need to learn that one.

Mika, I've learned over the years, is a totally different story. With her you either have to give in, get out, or piss her off.

This went a long way in explaining why, years ago, Yuki put his arm around me and pretended I was his new love interest in order to get rid of her.

Looking back now, I can't say that I blame him for doing it anymore. Mika means well and she's only wanting to do what's best for you but…well…

It's kind of like when your cat brings home the dead carcass of it's latest kill and sets it at your feet and you step on it by accident.

Sure, she meant well and all, but it's still so not what you needed at the time.

But like hell am I EVER going to voice that analogy aloud.

I like breathing.

I couldn't help but ask Yuki, before I lost my voice that is, if he didn't have a deadline coming up. Turns out he just finished his latest book and had decided to take a break for a few weeks.

Which translates roughly into 'my editor thinks my PMS is too much to handle and gave me a forced vacation before she tore all her hair out.'

It explains Yuki's more relaxed attitude. Between books was always my favorite time to be with him. With all the pressure off and the new ideas flowing through his head, Yuki was always much kinder towards...well everyone actually. Thinking about it now I wonder if he really chose the best career to bury himself into since it just enhances his already poor attitude.

I think I'll keep that one to myself too.

Like I said, I like to breathe.

It's Thursday afternoon and I've been sitting here in bed all day just letting thoughts run through my head. Every once in awhile Yuki will pop in and ask if I need anything or bring me something to eat. Other than that he's pretty much stayed in the living room. I know he's not avoiding me for any other reason that he knows we both have a lot to think about right now, but it would still be nice to have someone to talk to right now.

Or rather, to listen to since I can't exactly do much talking right now.

"Hey."

AH! Damn it! Thank God the ceiling was there to stop me or I'd have been on the roof by now. I can see Yuki trying, vainly, to hide the smirk on his face before I saw it.

I give him the finger and stick my tongue out at him.

He smirks more. Bastard.

"Open your mouth."

I saw this in porno once. No way.

"Get that perverted look off your face idiot. Open your mouth." He holds up a thermometer and waves it around while he talks. "Or would you rather have your temperature taken somewhere else?"

Ah…No. I open up.

I sit there, tapping my fingers on my leg as we both wait for the thermometer to be done. As soon as the beep goes off it's pulled from my mouth by Yuki, who glances at it with a kind of satisfied look.

"It's under a hundred."

Wow, a veritable fountain of information. If only I could say that out loud. I'm sure by now that Yuki knows just how incredibly bored I am in here.

"I'm sure you're bored out of your mind in here." He says.

I wonder where my eyeballs went when they popped out of my head.

I can hear Yuki chuckling. "You're so easy to read. Come on, it won't kill you to at least get out of bed now."

I'm sitting in the living room flipping through channels before he can blink.

No doubt he'll one day ask me how I do that.

Not that I'll tell of course.

We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, the routine of my absently channel surfing too familiar to let any tension set in; which I'm going to fuck up now. I have questions that need answering if I'm going to keep thinking about us without running my already fried brain in circles. I stop on a random channel and set the remote down, noticing how Yuki shakes his head slightly when I do so. He usually goes into la-la land when I start channel surfing. It's one of the few 'couples' things we ever did together. Grabbing a notebook and pen off the coffee table, I decide it's high time to start my interrogation.

_Do you hate me?_

I couldn't help it. I had to ask. Handing him the notebook, I watch his eyes widen before he turns to look at me. Okay, so I do feel a little guilty about suddenly springing a game of twenty questions on him, but it passes pretty quickly. We won't get anywhere if one of us doesn't push things along.

It's me as usual.

"Why the hell would you ask me something like that?"

At least he doesn't seem angry, just confused. I shake my head and tap the paper. He's going to answer whether he likes it or not.

He sighs lightly. "No, Shuichi. I don't hate you."

And so begins my 'pass the notebook' interrogation.

_Well, then, do you love me?_

"I…I don't know."

Can't call him on that one when I feel the same way right now. I'll let it slide.

_But you do want to be with me, right?_

"Yes."

_How?_

"What do you mean by that?"

_Just what I wrote. How do you want to be with me? Boyfriend, fuck buddy, what?_

All right, so maybe I'm still a little pissy about all the times he told me sex was all I was good for. Granted we were usually arguing at the time, but still…some things just stick in your mind. Hmm. He looks uncomfortable. Good.

It takes a few minutes before I realize he's not going to answer that one, so I take the notebook back.

_Why does having a relationship with me scare you Yuki?_

He stares at me for a long time, which is, by the way, really un-nerving.

"It…it doesn't."

_Liar. What is it? Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you? Or…_

I stop writing and stare at the paper for a few minutes. Over the past three years Yuki and I have had several conversations regarding his past, pretty much all of them forced on by me. But at least now I know the whole story about what happened with Kitazawa. Thinking back on it and us…I can see the connection. It tentative to me, but then, I'm not Yuki; I didn't go through what he did so I don't know exactly how his feelings about what happened might affect the two of us.

But…

I finish writing and hand the paper over slowly. I might just be over thinking things here, but it can't hurt to see, right?

A few seconds later the notebook falls to the floor and I can hear the front door shutting behind him. At least - at least part of the problem has finally come to light. I'm not sure what to do now. Hell, I don't even know what to think.

All I know is one thing is for sure: Yuki does care about me.

I lean over the couch, holding my stomach and trying to suppress the sob that is clawing its way up my throat. I'm relieved, scared, worried, angry, hurt; I can't even begin to feel one thing with out another jumping up. My vision starts to blur slightly as I look down, causing a few more traitorous tears to fall upon the words written.

The twelve words written that just might have put a crack in Yuki's wall of ice.

_…or are you afraid you'll hurt me, just like he did you?_

Or made him leave me for good.


	11. Home

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 11: Home_

When things go really, really wrong there's only one possible person to go to.

Mom.

Sure I've always gone to Hiro and usually I'd have no problem going to him now, but somehow I just felt this overwhelming need to talk to my mom on this one.

She did marry my dad and from what I understand he wasn't exactly easy to put up with before he died.

Maybe I'd have an easier time with Yuki if I could remember putting up with him too.

Oh well.

My voice came back today, finally. I sat around the rest of the day yesterday, ignoring about twenty phone calls and opting instead to stay either in the bathroom submerged in hot water or lying in bed like a dead man. I think it helped somewhat. My throat's a little scratchy, but I feel a lot better than I have been, so I wasn't worried about making the trip out here while feeling utterly miserable.

Well I do, but it's not because of the cold.

Fortunately for me I have plenty of money, so getting a cab to drive me to the outskirts of Tokyo isn't hard. It's been a long time since I've had to take a cab this far though, so paying for it made me cringe.

Literally. Damn rip-off artists.

After the smiling con drives off, I stare up at the simple white house I grew up in - all right that I kind of grew up in. Mom bought it and moved to suburbia right after Maiko graduated high school.

Damn, come to think of it, I didn't grow up here at all. Creepy how you forget things like that.

Thankfully I don't have to deal with my sister now that she's off in Kyoto at college. I love her to death but Maiko is so fixated on Yuki and his books that I sometimes doubt that she can look at our relationship objectively. Most of the time she usually just says that I need to start 'being a man' and stop 'whining' about everything. I think she just likes to think of her brother dating her favorite author.

But I was a whiner, so I can't really say that for sure.

The sound of the front door opening snaps me out of my musings and I then realize that I've probably been standing here staring at my mom's house long enough that one of those creepy neighborhood watch ladies called her up and told her. I doubt they see some pink-haired kid staring at someone's house everyday, so I can't really blame them.

"Shuichi?"

I grin. I call her all the time, but it's always great to actually see her and talk to her in person. I should really get out here more often.

It doesn't take long for her to hustle me into the house, after nearly suffocating me with a hug and slathering my face with kisses, and I just have to poke around a little bit. Mom loves to redecorate and I haven't had a visit yet were I haven't found something new lying around. And I'm pretty sure that rack of Bad Luck CDs wasn't here the last time I stopped by.

I turn around and raise an eyebrow at her. "I thought singing was a waste of time?"

Mom smiles and shrugs her shoulders. "I'm only human and a mom wanting what's best for her children. You seemed to figure that out for yourself, though."

I can't help but snort. "Yeah well, all those little prodding conversation about being a 'nice successful business man with a nice little wife and children' talks were a bit wasted."

She grins and turns to the kitchen. We like teasing each other about different things like that. Mostly how she was wrong to discourage me from singing when I now make more money than most successful businessmen she can name off.

"Speaking of love interests, how's that boyfriend of yours?"

I follow her voice into the kitchen and sit down at the small table therein. I know mom was shocked, to say the least, to find out I was in love with another man but she's been nothing but supportive ever since. She's only met Yuki a few times and it's sad to say he didn't make the best impression with his attitude. But mom's long since stopped trying to tell me what to do.

"Given up and decided to give me grandchildren yet?"

I roll my eyes. But she does like to gently nudge every now and then.

"Actually I needed to ask you something."

"Oh?" she turns around and walks to the table, handing me a cup of tea as she sits down across from me. "What's that, snuggums?"

Snuggums. I almost forgot about that cute little nickname. Ugh.

"Um. Well…" Man, I came all this way to ask her this and now I can't get the damn words out of my mouth!

"You look like a pinball machine on 'tilt' Shuichi, spit it out already."

Geez, thanks mom.

"How do you know if you're really in love?"

There. Hope she's happy now.

I watch as she waves her hand like I just asked her about the weather. "Word association."

I blink. Rapidly. "Excuse me?"

She smiles, that odd motherly 'I know something and you're about to find out just how much more experienced I am' grin that always makes me wish I hadn't asked. She smiled like that when I asked where babies come from.

"It's easy, like a game. I say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your head."

Oh. Duh.

"Okay."

"Guitar."

Well that's easy. "Hiro."

"You can't think about it Shuichi, just say the first thing you think of. I'll go faster as we go."

I nod and she starts over.

"Strawberry."

"Pocky."

"Ryuichi."

"Idol."

"Hiro."

"Friend."

"Cold."

"Yuki."

"Boss."

"Tohma."

"Bastard."

"Yuki."

"Pervert."

"Tatsuha."

"Spring."

"Flower."

"Love."

"Yuki."

She stops and I think I'm staring at her like she's grown a second head. The amused expression on her face is leaning me that direction anyway.

"What?" I ask. "Just like that?"

Mom smiles around her tea, taking a sip before placing it down in front of her.

"Do things have to be so complicated or are we as humans just more likely to make them that way?"

I think I'm staring again. God, mom is really smart sometimes. All right, all the time really. But she's my mom so I guess I'm probably a bit bias.

"Now. Would you like to tell me what this was about?"

I sigh. This is going to be a long talk.

I'd thought that after more than an hour of listening to me bitch and moan, mom would have stopped me at some point and told me to 'grow up'. But it never happened. She listened the whole way through, interrupting only to ask a few questions on certain points and to get a better understanding of what I was saying. By the time I got up to yesterday and Yuki walking out on me, she'd grown pretty quiet.

"Well, I think we've pretty much established that you love the man. Don't shake your head at me young man. From everything you've told me it's as obvious as that pimple forming on your cheek."

I throw my hand up instinctively, searching my face for anything unusual.

"Got you."

Dear God, how did I live through puberty with this woman again?

"Funny mom, thanks."

"Well, you're being such a sourpuss. Honestly Shuichi, when you think of spending the rest of your life without Yuki, how do you feel?"

…With…out…Yuki?

"Alone."

"And that's exactly how I've felt every since your father died."

Oh.

"Actually, now that I think about it, Yuki sounds a lot like he was. Cold, almost emotionless sometimes."

I'm sure curiosity is pretty much plastered on my face. "Really?"

"Really. He was hard to get along with at first. There were quite a few times I almost left him. One time I did, right before you were born."

"What made you go back?"

"My mom did the same thing to me that I did to you. Word association. Once I started thinking about it some more, I realized that I really did love him. Not just for him on his good days, but for him on his bad as well. The good days may not have been as numerous as I would have liked, but they were all the more special to me because of that fact."

"I guess…I guess I never thought of it that way."

She nodded, finishing her tea and taking both our cups to the sink. "Mind you, I didn't put up with it. We bumped heads plenty over his attitude actually. But once he realized that I really did love him for him, he just naturally started to lighten up more. By the time that heart attack took him, he was like a whole other man."

I think my brain's getting overloaded now. There're so many things I haven't even thought about. I just kept seeing things from my point of view and how I felt; I never stopped to consider Yuki in this really. He acts the way he acts for a reason: Yuki Kitazawa.

"Here you go."

I shake out of thoughts and look up, a bit surprised to see mom holding my coat out to me.

"You're kicking me out?"

She grins as she leads me to the door and opens it.

"Same thing my mom did to me after we talked."

Pushing me outside, I hear her last words before the door shuts.

"Think of it as tradition, snuggums!"

Great. I need to go somewhere and think now, somewhere no one can find me for awhile so I can just get my head on straight.

Come to think of it, there's something I need to do, too. I whip out my cell phone and call a cab.

I know just what to do now.


	12. Measure

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 12: Measure_

It feels good to sit down for a while. It's actually kind of mandatory here but who am I to complain? At least it's relatively quiet and with a fresh change of clothes and a good hat, no one's recognized me yet.

I keep waiting for that to change.

Until then, I can sit back and relax and allow myself to think a little bit.

I knew how dangerous and possibly stupid it was to head out of town without giving at least one person some kind of notice, so I managed to call Hiro. He wasn't happy about it, trying to convince me to just come over and talk; until I informed him I had already left Tokyo behind.

That really pissed him off.

It was really, really unfortunate that he decided yelling at me for being so stupid would be a good idea and I decided hanging up would be too. Since I turned my phone off to avoid hearing anymore for a time, I'm sure he's pacing around his place right now, trying to figure out where I've headed off too that requires going out of town at all.

Not that there's a whole lot of choices of course, the only people I know outside of Tokyo are Tatsuha and my sister Maiko; both of whom live in Kyoto.

Let him figure it out.

I can do what I need to and be back before Monday's recording session without a hitch. If he had given me a chance, I would have gladly explained my plan to Hiro, though I doubt he would have truly understood it. As a matter of fact, I doubt anyone would really understand why I have to do this.

For the first few minutes after Tokyo disappeared I started to wonder. But thinking back to the last three years, it's something that I've never personally addressed. Given the crossroads my relationship with Yuki is in right now, I think it's about time to.

I must remember to send mom a bouquet of flowers when I get back. Even now I can't help but think that if I ever do have children, I will never, never pull that word association on them. When I called her right after the cab picked me up from the house, I told her that.

She laughed and said she said the same thing to her mom.

And her mom answered the same way.

God traditions are weird.

I do have to remember to be quick with my visit; when Hiro can't reach me and I don't call back, he's going to call someone. Mostly likely Tohma. And once Tohma calls around and finds out where I've gone, I don't doubt either he or Yuki will be trailing after.

It's sad really; I've got a lot I want to get out and I'm working on a time frame. But I guess it can't be helped now. I just hope they don't think I'm going to do something weird like dress up like a woman again. Though I don't think I'll ever be able to forget the look on Yuki's father's face when he saw me that day. Once I got back to Tokyo I laughed my ass off for hours just thinking about it. Thank God I kept a straight face at the time or the man would still hate me.

I glance at my watch and sigh. Should be any minute now. Good thing, I think my ass is asleep from sitting for so long. I still feel like crap, all this running around and emotional bullshit is starting to wear me down a bit. But I'm not about to stop. Nope, a Shindou never gives up and..

…Damn that sounds cheesy.

I must be more tired than I thought.

A slight jostle brings me out of my thoughts and I realize that we're here. The trip took long enough; it's Saturday now. It takes a few minutes before the plane comes to a complete stop and the first class passengers, of which I am more than grateful to be apart of, are allowed to leave. I didn't grab an overnight bag or anything, opting to take no luggage so as to give me a better chance of getting out, getting done, and getting home fast. Hopefully I won't stink too badly by the time I catch the flight back to Tokyo.

I nod and smile at the stewardess as I pass by, her customary greeting echoing in my mind as I step off the plane.

"Welcome to New York City."

Thank God I learned English.

It's a little cold in New York really.

Not that I mind it too much right now. Yuki left his coat behind when he walked out and I picked it up by accident when I left. It swims a little on me, but hey, what do I care? It's warm and smells like cigarettes and Yuki.

It's always been my favorite blended scent.

Squatting down, I reach a tentative hand out to trace the inscription written on the stone slab before me.

Kitazawa.

The cause of all of Yuki's pain and suffering; who made him the cold-hearted bastard he is.

Or was, depending on whose eyes you're looking through.

I did a lot of thinking on the way over here and came to one simple conclusion: change is slow. Comparing Yuki to the way he is now versus the way he use to be, the changes he's made on his own are quite amazing, considering. He cut back on smoking and drinking a lot; and I know my feelings on that helped to prod him to do so. He doesn't so much insult my lyrics when I show them to him as to offer constructive criticism. It isn't always pretty and I can see how I'd think he was just being mean; but in hindsight, I can really tell the difference now.

I still sleep on the couch, unless we have sex. I never thought that maybe it was something Yuki was just use to; a kind of by-product of all those years of one-night stands followed by nights sleeping alone. Not wanting to suffer his anger for asking a stupid question, it was one issue I never pressed.

If I had, I'd probably sleep in bed with him every night.

He doesn't always wait for me to get home to eat dinner, but if he fixes something or orders out, he always leaves me some or orders for me too and sets it out. It was a habit he picked up on and I guess I became so use to it, that I never really noticed until now. On the really nasty winter days or when it's raining really hard, he'll take me to work and pick me up. And if he has a really pressing deadline coming up, he'll order a taxi for me and pay for it.

It's closer to spring now and it's been a long time since he's had to do it, I suppose I just…didn't think about it.

A lot of things I've noticed have come about because someone didn't think about it.

Everything that's happened, that hasn't happened; it's all points of view. From my point of view, it seemed that things hadn't changed at all; when in reality the changes were so subtle that I didn't notice them until I stopped and actually thought things over. Sure, I'm not happy with the way things are even now, but maybe I'm asking for too much too soon. Miscommunication is a wondrous thing: If I had expressed my thoughts and concerns to Yuki, things might not have escalated to this point. Or I might have gotten kicked out just for asking.

A lot of things could have happened if I had just tried harder. But then, a lot more could have happened if Yuki had tried more too. And now, he's willing to do that. Or so he said that day. I really need to talk to him.

But I have something else I need to do first.

"So…"

I'm not quite sure why I'm talking aloud, there's no one here to hear me. But it seems appropriate given my audience is a dead man.

Almost a dead man if you think about it.

"You're not very impressive. Some how, I expected something else, you know? I guess you don't, huh?"

All right, now I'm babbling to a grave. Fun.

"I wish I had some profound reason for being here. Like forgiving you for what you did to Yuki or saying I don't hate you for it. But I do. I do hate you for it. You destroyed him. You made him into everything he is today; everything I hate about him, everything I lo-"

It's amazing the things you realize when you just start talking. I guess mom was right. Some of the truest feelings come when you don't think at all and just react.

"I guess though..." I continue, finding my voice once again. "…That I do owe you something after all."

I stand up, looking down at the grave and somehow feeling oddly numb. It was almost like I didn't really care either which way about the man buried beneath that chunk of Earth anymore.

Rather liberating really.

"You made Yuki and I meeting possible, though I wish the methods had been different. For that, and only for that…I thank you."

I pull the message I intended to leave from my pocket and secure it in front of the grave marker with a rock. It doesn't matter if someone walks off with it or not. I just had to do this.

For both of us.

I walk away, never giving the in scripted slab of marble another thought as I head towards my next destination. My time here is, unfortunately, short. But the thoughts I wanted to continue to voice aloud are rolling through my mind the entire time.

_You threw away something wonderful that day Yuki Kitazawa. Without even realizing it you tossed away a wonderful person. Maybe, like me, you just didn't see it at the time. Maybe now you regret your actions looking down, or up at us today. But it doesn't matter any more. You tried to destroy him, but he lives on; and I'll do everything in my power to prove you wrong._

I hail a cab, never sparing another glance to the note I left behind…

_'Keep it and watch as I show you the true measure of worth.'_

Nor the ten-dollar bill it was attached to.


	13. Everything

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 13: Everything_

It feels so weird being back here again.

This city.

This building.

This room.

Back to the room where so many years ago I found Yuki.

I don't really remember how I found him, or why I dressed it that damn dog costume; but I do remember being so scared that I wouldn't get here on time. I wasn't really sure what Yuki was going to do, but something in me just said it wasn't something I'd like very much.

After seeing the gun in his hand, I realized just how accurate that feeling had been.

Speaking of which…

Bending down and pushing a piece of plywood out of the way reveals the very gun I was just thinking about. How strange. Almost three years and it's still here? I pick it up and look at it. Cold and metallic; it looks almost harmless if you didn't know what you were holding.

I let my fingers run across it, warming it up slightly. I wonder how Yuki felt holding this weapon back then. How easy it'd be to just pull the trigger and let your whole world go.

Or someone else's.

This room. This is where it happened. This is were that bastard…

I feel a shudder run up my body and decide not to continue that thought. I'm not sure why I decided to visit here really. The idea was there, as was visiting Kitazawa's grave. But I thought that going there and seeing his head stone would be enough for me. But it hadn't been. Actually, right now I wish I had my cigarettes and lighter on me. Then I could just burn this God-forsaken building to the ground and be done with it.

Damn it, why is this affecting me so much? I can understand why Yuki's hung up on it, but why me too? I know I love him; I've come to realize that that's the truth now. But it doesn't explain why I have this…I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I absolutely had to come here and do this or I couldn't do anything else.

You can live past it; I know you can! I did and I…

I…

No. God damn it no! I will not go back to that. I will not let that come back again and...

God I can practically see his smug looking face. That stupid jealous bastard I just want to…

I start as the gun in my hands goes off, the recoil snapping my wrist back and causing me to stumble to the floor. I drop the gun and grab my wrist, staring at the black spot in the wall where the bullet punched through.

Dear God. If he'd been there. If he'd been standing right in front of me I would have…

I can feel the panic rising in my mind and as much I want to pull away from it, it's surrounding me like a fog. I scramble backwards and away from the gun, stopping only when my back hits the wall on the opposite side of the room. I don't know what to think, what to feel anymore. Why the hell did I come here? Still clutching my wrist I pull my knees up to my chest and hold back the sobs traveling up my throat. Too much has happened, I've been thinking too much. I need to stop. I need to just stop everything. I feel so…desperate. So…

I'm not even confused really. Everything I've been thinking about is solved in my mind. I know I love Yuki. I want to be with him. I need an anchor. I need something else to think about. If I keep going like this I don't know what I might end up doing and….

"Shuichi! Shuichi come on!"

I blink a few times before the room comes back into focus again.

"…Yuki?"

He pulls back and lets go of my shoulders, a look of relief coming over his face.

"You scared the shit out of me, Shuichi! I heard that gun shot and thought…" Yuki wraps his arms around me and pulls me into a hug.

"I thought I was too late." He whispers.

Well now we have something else in common. How the hell did he get here? When did he get here?

"Yuki?"

"Damn it, don't you ever pull something like this again, do you hear me!" he says, pulling back again.

"Yuki…"

"Nobody had any idea why in the hell you were coming over here and what you were going to do. Hiro is beyond pissed at you right now and I probably should be!"

"Yuki…"

"You're lucky I even thought you MIGHT come here. What in the hell were you thinking about doing to yourself?"

"YUKI!"

"What?"

Finally. Give a guy a chance.

"I love you."

He looks a bit startled. Not that I haven't made declarations of love at weird times before, but it's been two weeks since I last said those words to him. I'm sure he was wondering.

"Do you mean that?" he asks quietly. "I didn't think…"

This time, I silence him with a kiss. Damn it feels good to kiss him again. I pull back before either one of us can get carried away; much as I want to…

"I didn't come here to do anything stupid, Yuki. I just had something I needed to do. I'm not sure why I came here though. I kind of just ended up here."

Yuki glances over his shoulder at the gun. I know what he's thinking.

"I found it." I tell him and he turns back to face me. "I wasn't going to use it on myself, moron. It just went off."

I watch the tension leak from his body. Did he really think I was suicidal? I admit I haven't exactly been Mr. Happy the past few weeks but really…

"Are you alright?" he asks, his eyes scanning me for any wounds.

"It caught me off-guard. Recoil's a bitch." I start rubbing my wrist again. It's probably just twisted a bit, but damn it hurts.

He nods and sits down on the floor in front of me and lights a cigarette. Actually, now that I'm looking at him he looks like shit.

"Have you been eating?"

"Not really."

"Sleeping?"

"Kind of."

"Yuki…"

"What?"

I sigh. Bastard. Gone for two weeks and he drops back into old habits.

"What am I going to do with you." I say, shaking my head in amusement.

"Take me to the nearest hotel and screw me silly?"

I punch his shoulder with my good hand. "Pervert."

He gives me a cocky little grin and starts looking around the room with a bored expression on his face. If I had known that coming here would bring him here I would have just gone to the airport instead. I didn't want to bring back old memories for him by coming here for me.

"Funny." He says quietly.

"What?"

"The last time I was here, everything came back to me. It was almost like living it again. This time…"

"This time?"

He looks at me and shrugs. "It's just a building."

I can't help but smile. It's just a building.

"Yuki?"

"Hn?"

"I need to know-"

He cuts me off with a finger to my lips and nods. His expression is intense enough to give me chills.

"I know, Shuichi. You need to know a lot of things from me. How I see you, how I feel about you, right?"

I nod. He leans back and takes another drag from his cigarette before smashing it out on the floor.

"I think I'm ready to tell you the truth."

His face is so blank I feel my whole body tense up just looking at it.

I hope to God he's not going to say what I think he is.

Please.


	14. Losing It

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 14: Losing It_

"I can't do this anymore."

I think my heart just stopped. Did he just say…

"After three years, I let myself think that I really might love you."

Dear Lord…

"But I can't keep lying to you and myself. Not anymore."

"Are you…are you joking? Please tell me you're joking Yuki!" I cry. I think I'm going to have a heart attack right here and now.

"Actually I am."

I feel my face meet the floor. "BASTARD!"

I lift my face up when he starts laughing. God he's so fucked up sometimes.

"Why the hell would you do something like that?"

Yuki smirks as he lights up another cigarette. "Well they say shock is good in these cases."

"These cases? What the hell are you going on about?"

I think Yuki has officially lost his mind.

"You know, like a pinch."

"Huh?"

"To wake up."

My head snaps up and blink. My eyes move around the room, taking in the emptiness. Just how I must have left it when I fell asleep. God what a dream. Everything felt so real, like Yuki had just come in and…

Damn I need to sleep in a real bed soon. I peel myself off the floor and glance at my watch. It takes a few minutes to convert the time over, but after I do I realize I've slept long enough to miss my return flight to Japan. Shit. I might be a little late getting to work Monday after all. I rub my still aching wrist and glare at the gun on the floor as I stumble past it. No sense staying here, I think I've done all I could possibly do with out killing myself or becoming an arsonist. Hell, at least I know now that if I haven't lost my mind already, I'm slowly heading that direction.

I don't know why I dreamed Yuki would come here. It's not like it'd be THAT easy for Tohma to track me down. I paid cash at the airport, disguised myself, and never got a chance to tell anyone where I was going. Not even Mom knows. So the likelihood that Yuki would just show up like that is well…

It's impossible actually. I sigh. But up until that last bit, it was kind of nice. Stepping outside I pull Yuki's coat around me a bit tighter. Shit it's gotten colder out. Thankfully it doesn't take too long to hail down a taxi and get to a hotel. I don't really care about missing work Monday; all I want to do right now is get a decent night's sleep. With any luck, I might be able to keep my cold from coming back.

Unfortunately for me, I have to use my credit card at the hotel. Creepy, over-paranoid American bastards. Oh well. No doubt by morning someone really WILL be on a flight here. I'm sure Tohma's got a watch on my credit cards, which is a little un-nerving to say the least. But as I sink down into the soft hotel mattress, I really could care less about it.

The phone ringing wakes me up and I have to almost literally pull the pillow off my face. Taking a quick look at the clock I'm shocked to see I've slept for almost fifteen hours straight. Good God I must have been worse off than I thought I was.

Considering how shitty I felt, that's saying something. The phone, though, is giving me a headache and it takes a few rings before I decide to answer it instead of throwing it against the nearest wall.

"M'llo?" I'm sure I sound like shit, but I couldn't really care.

"Mr. Shindou? This is the front desk sir. You have a visitor down in the lobby."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair as I try to sit up on the bed. "Send 'em up."

"Yes sir."

I replace the phone on the hook and half-crawl half-stumble to the door. I unlock it and crack it open then head into the bathroom. I hear a knock as I'm splashing water on my face and trying to fix my hair a little bit. It's not really helping any. I still look like shit.

"Door's open!"

I hear it shut with a small click and sigh. It's not Yuki. I've no doubt he's pissed to all hell right now and that door would have slammed shut if it were him. I take one last look in the mirror before stepping out of the bathroom.

To have my eyes overloaded with pink.

"…Ryuichi?"

He pulls Kumagorou back and grins. "Found you! You play a really good game of hide and seek, Shuichi!"

I blink. Maybe I'm dreaming again. This is the LAST person I thought would show up.

Though I have to laugh. International hide and seek kind of sounds like fun.

"You look so surprised to see me! I bet you didn't think me and Kumagorou would find you first did you?"

Ryuichi looks really, really happy about this. Which is a little weird all on its own.

"Um…how did you find me Ryuichi?"

"Credit card!" he grins. "Poor Tohma hasn't thought of that yet!"

I sigh. Come to think of it, why would he? I almost never use my credit cards for anything. Only Ryuichi would look for the one thing I probably wouldn't even bother with. This is insanity at its finest. He darts off into the room and flops on the bed, placing the little pink bunny on his head before smiling at me. I must be dreaming again.

"So what now?" he asks. "Is it my turn to hide?"

"Ryuichi…"

"You really shouldn't play dangerous games like that, Shuichi."

The change of voice and look is instantaneous and, as usual, throws me off guard. I swear this man can jump back and forth on moods faster than anyone I know.

"Why were you running away?" he asks.

I sigh and sit down on the bed next to him. "I wasn't running away. I had something I needed to do."

Ryuichi raises an eyebrow and picks up my swollen wrist. "Was this part of it?"

"Accidentally, yes."

"Did you do what you needed to do?"

I think back to my conversation with Kitazawa and my odd little rant and dream at the building. Yeah, I doubt I could do more than that right now if I tried. Actually, come to think of it, I feel a lot better about the whole Yuki/Yuki thing now. He might not have let go of it yet, but I think I have. And maybe for that, I can really help him now. It hadn't really occurred to me until getting here that I was dwelling on what happened to Yuki as much as he was. No doubt though, there are still a few things I need to think about. Things I've been avoiding for a while now. But right now, all I want to do is go home and talk to Yuki.

"Yeah." I smile. "I'm done here."

Ryuichi grins and bounces up off the bed. "Let's go then! I have a private plane waiting and it's got all kinds of yummy stuff on board!"

Oh thank God. I can't remember the last time I ate. I stand up and Ryuichi puts his hand over his nose.

"But first Shu, you really need to take a shower."

Damn. I just knew I'd stink before the end of this.

"I'll go get you some clothes! Jump in the shower!" he says and disappears out the door.

I'm half way in the shower when I realize that Ryuichi is getting me clothes. I can see the tight leather pants and mid-drift revealing fluffy white shirt now.

Shit.


	15. Just Another Love Song

**Just Another Love Song**  
_Beat 15: Just Another Love Song_

Tohma pulls to the side of the road and puts the car in park. I stare out the window to the apartment building; Yuki's apartment building, with a mixed feeling of anticipation and dread. Once we were in the air Ryuichi took the liberty of calling everyone and their mother to let them know he had 'won'. I then spent several hours talking to Tohma, Mika, Hiro and a few other people I'm too tired to even remember right now. Thankfully not only was the plane fully stocked with food, but Ryuichi didn't bring me clothes that screamed 'come hither'.

Which was a bit of a surprise actually.

After a general consensus of 'you're a complete moron for taking off like that', everyone pretty much understood. Even though I wouldn't explain what exactly I did in New York. I think Tohma, at least, figured it out. Though he was none to pleased by my newly wrapped wrist.

Who needs a father? I've got Yuki's brother-in-law.

Hiro was a tougher nut to crack. He was really, really pissed about me hanging up on him and turning my phone off. But, like I said, he can never stay mad at me. Although I have the feeling that he'll be following me around like a shadow for the next few weeks.

At least, that's what he said.

"He's waiting for you, Shuichi."

I turn and face Tohma, giving him a small smile. It was a bit disconcerting that Yuki wasn't at the airport to meet us like everyone else was. But Tohma assured me that Yuki wanted to talk to me in private. I got the feeling he wasn't too happy about my little excursion either. But I love him. I know that now. After the last two weeks, it's about time he knows it too.

I take a deep breath and let it out before I open the door. After getting out, I turn around and bend over to face Tohma.

"Thank you, Tohma. For everything."

Tohma just smiles and makes a shoo-ing motion with his hand.

"Go on. I'll see you at NG in two days."

I've shut the door and he's already pulling out before that actually catches up to me. Two days? Extended vacation! Thank God. I need sleep. And Yuki. Steeling myself once again, I head upstairs hoping I didn't fuck everything up in the last few days.

The door was already cracked open when I get to Yuki's apartment. Obvious that he's expecting me to come on in, I do so, toeing my shoes off by the door.

"Yuki?"

I'm more than a little nervous. I don't doubt that he's pissed off about this. Hell, I would be too.

"In the living room."

I relax a bit as I head towards the sound of his voice. He doesn't sound pissed at least. Peeking around the corner, I see him sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. I must have a made a noise or something because he looked up at me. Just like in my dream he looks like shit. Damn, maybe he really hasn't been eating or sleeping well. One more reason to kick myself in the ass later.

I walk further into the room and stop a few feet from the couch. Yuki's eyes follow me the whole way and actually it's kind of unnerving.

"I want to know exactly where you went and why. Don't leave anything out."

I can't help but raise an eyebrow, if not for the question, then for the unusually bitter tone in his voice. What in the hell did he think I did in New York? Damn…

So I tell him; everything from getting on the plane to go there to Ryuichi dragging me off in his private jet back home to Japan. Yuki's quiet through the whole thing, not even giving me a grunt here and there like he usually does. The silence that engulfs us when I finish is almost painful. I watch him stab his cigarette into the ashtray on the coffee table and I can't help but feel like I really did fuck everything up.

"Yuki, I-"

"Do you hate me?"

Well that was unexpected...

"What?"

I watch him stand up and walk towards me. He stops directly in front of me and asks again. "Do you hate me?"

"No Yuki, I-"

"Well, then, do you love me?" Yuki asks, cutting me off again.

"Yes. I do."

"You want to be with me, right?"

I stare at him for a few minutes before I realize what he's doing. He's asking me the same questions I asked him a few days ago. I can't help but smile.

"Absolutely." I answer.

"How?" He asks.

"In all ways."

I can see the beginnings of a smile tugging at the corner of his lip. Yuki pauses for a few seconds, obviously trying to get his traitorous facial muscles under control before he plows on.

"Why does having a relationship with me scare you?"

I pause for a second. I'm choking on my own Goddamn question here! I squeeze my eyes shut, already cursing myself for even thinking about crying. A few seconds go by before a light touch against my cheek causes me to open my eyes again. Yuki's thumb brushes the liquid from my cheek before he leans down to touch our foreheads together.

"Why does having a relationship with me scare you, Shuichi?" he whispers.

"Because I-"

Stupid mouth, work!

I finally answer, annoyed that my voice sounds so small and weak in the silence.

"Because I don't want to lose you."

Leaning down further, Yuki brushes his lips against mine. It's a small kiss, sweet and caring; it's far too short. He leans back, his hand still cupping my face.

"The last question is all yours." He says.

I blink. He's going to answer it this time?

"Are you-"

Crap. At this rate I might as well write it down again. Okay, breathe Shuichi. It's just a question damn it!

"Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you?"

"Yes and no." he says quietly.

All right, that's half of it. It's a fair answer considering there's risk in anything you do. Gathering what wit I have left about me, I push on to the second half.

"Or are you afraid you'll hurt me, just like he did you?"

Yuki freezes when I finish and I'm afraid he's going to walk out again. I don't know if he's ready to even go this far into this yet or not…

"Yes."

I can feel my eyes going wide.

"I never want to hurt you Shuichi, not like that. Not ever. But that's exactly what I've been doing, isn't it? I never wanted to be like him, to be Yuki. I thought if I pushed everyone away I'd never get the chance to do that; to-"

I can tell this is hurting him to get out. God, the last thing I want is to push him back into the hospital again. I don't think I could survive worrying about him like that again.

"Yuki, you don't have to-"

"Yes." He says, interrupting me for the umpteenth time. "I do."

Sighing slightly he takes my hand and pulls me over to the couch. I sit down next to him and wait. I may have mega reserves of energy, but even I can be patient when I really want to.

"Shuichi, do you know why I asked you your own questions?"

I can't help but shake my head. Sometimes I understand what he's getting at, sometimes I don't. But if I understood him all the time, he wouldn't be Yuki. That doesn't really make a lot of sense, come to think of it, but I know what I mean.

"It's because I knew how you'd answer them." He tells me. "I'm like your reflection; I show all the same things, but only you can put them into words."

I can feel more tears starting to form, but at this point I could care less.

"I don't hate you. I want to be with you. In all ways. And I never, ever want to lose you."

Despite the fact that he skipped one answer, I can't help but smile. He doesn't have to say it. I don't need to hear it anymore.

"I love you, Shindou Shuichi."

But it is nice…. I think my heart just stopped though. Before I realize it he wraps his arms around me and pulls me into an embrace. It takes several minutes before I can make myself stop crying; I never thought I'd hear those words from Yuki. As I calm down, I become aware of Yuki's hand rubbing up and down my back and a very gentle rocking motion that's starting to lull me to sleep. Pulling back slightly, I managed to work my way into his lap, straddling one leg on either side of his own and pressing my face into his chest. Much better.

"I can't promise you we'll never fight." He says before lightly kissing the top of my head. "I can't promise that things will change over night. I can't promise that I'll ever be able to get over my past."

Yuki takes my shoulders in his hands and pulls me back to look me in the eyes.

"But I can promise you this." He whispers, another smile tugging at his lips. "So long as you can stand me, I promise that I will try."

I'm sure I'm grinning like an idiot now, but I can't help it. Throwing my arms around his neck I push our lips together in a much deeper and more satisfying kiss. There's no tension, no expectation; just us. We break apart after a few minutes and just enjoy the feel of each other again. It doesn't take long before we start talking; nothing emotional or important, just small talk. Every once in awhile he'd kiss me, or me him; it was nothing like our normal behavior. For the first time I actually felt like we were a 'couple'; and I could see Yuki was trying hard to learn more about me, about us. Just as I was about him. As we continue to re-acquaint ourselves with one another, I can't help but come to an understanding.

This is exactly what I wanted all along.

Not fancy words. Not long confessions or declarations of love. No deep explanations of a tortured past or unraveling of the mysteries of ourselves.

Sure, that's all nice. But what I have with Yuki is something more than that. It's something more than words can really describe. Its arguments and tears, apologizes and laughter, sorrow and hope. All the good things in life and the bad.

This is all I need.

Just Yuki.

Just us.

Breaking apart and coming together; I guess we're fated to be just another love song.

But I can live with that.

So long as he's always by my side.


	16. Epilogue

**Just Another Love Song**_**  
**Beat 16: Epilogue_

_7 ½ months later…_

"Are you almost done, Shuichi?"

I turn around and smile after placing the last shirt into my suitcase.

"Yes. I'll be down in just a few minutes, Tohma."

The NG President smiles and nods then leaves the room. Turning back to my suitcase, I shut the lid and put the locks in place before sighing. This is it, the last of my things from Yuki's apartment. Cold and empty as it was, well, is, I'm still going to miss the place. We lived here for quite awhile after all. I wonder if Yuki's going to be able to get his security deposit back…

"What the hell is taking so long?"

Grinning, I turn around, dragging the suitcase in one hand off the bed.

"I'm done, Yuki! Just got to-"

And given my need to cram as much into one bag as possible, the weight of my suitcase immediately pulls it (and me) to the floor.

Floor meet Shuichi.

Shuichi meet the floor.

Hi floor!

Ugh.

I feel like a jackass now. But I do have an interesting idea. I keep my eyes closed and listen to Yuki's footsteps getting closer.

I hear him sigh in exasperation, but I know he's smiling. "You moron. Didn't I tell you not to stuff your bags so full? We can always come back later."

"…."

"Shuichi?"

"…."

"This is no time for playing, get up."

"…."

"Shu?"

I crack one eye open and see Yuki leaning down with a worried look on his face. I wait until he gets just a little bit closer before I pounce.

Quite literally.

Pushing off with my legs, I wrap my arms around Yuki's neck and roll us both to the floor. I'm grinning like an idiot by the time he realizes what's happened and opens his eyes to look up at me on top of him.

"You are so dead." He says.

Considering he's trying not to laugh right now, I'm not too worried about that. I slide my hands under his shirt, right near his very ticklish sides and lean down.

"Really now?" His breath hitches when I move my hands just a little bit more and I can't help but smirk. "You don't seem in any position to talk, mister."

"S-shuichi. Don't even think ab-accckkkk!"

I can't help it. Finding out how ticklish Yuki is was the best day of my life. I dance my fingers up and down his sides, giggling at how hard he's laughing because of my actions. By the time tears start running down his face we've both laughed ourselves out of breath. Deciding to have mercy I stop and put my hands on either side of him as I try to catch my breath. I'm sure I'll regret this later, when I wake up in the middle of the night with Yuki tickling the back of my legs, but right now it was so worth it.

"You're going to pay for that later you realize."

I look down at him, amused that he's still smiling. "Yep!"

Yuki rolls his eyes. "You don't have to sound so damn happy about it."

Leaning down I press my lips against his for a moment before shifting to whisper in his ear.

"But I love your punishments, Yuki."

I grin as I feel a shudder run through his body. Bless that sensitive ear of his…

The next thing I know, I'm lying on my back with Yuki on top of me. Damn he's gotten faster at that. A heartbeat later and his lips are on mine, rough and demanding at first before he softens the kiss and pulls back slightly.

"Get your butt in gear before I exact my revenge here on the floor." He says, a bit huskier than I'm sure he wanted to.

I watch Yuki stand up, brush his clothes off, and grab my suitcase before heading out the door to the car. Sitting up, I take one last look around our old bedroom. Well, YUKI'S old bedroom. At least this apartment's done. Tomorrow we have to head over to my place and clear it out. Thankfully I'd already started on it and no doubt Tohma's made his way over to help out while I've been here. Keeping my place was probably the best thing for Yuki and I. It gave us the chance to have space when we needed it, but was close enough that we could see each other whenever we wanted. After seven long months of talks, fights, and therapy sessions, we're finally moving back to where we were before I left him.

Only this time, we're getting a place that we both picked out. It's not 'Yuki's' apartment this time; it'll be ours. And Yuki's therapist finally took him off his medication. She said he's learning to move on with his life, that I've filled an emptiness he probably didn't realize he had inside himself. Being there to hear that was awkward, but I don't mind. Knowing that I did finally help Yuki was wonderful. Hell, the fact that he trusted and loved me enough to take me to his therapy sessions with him was almost enough for me.

Then again, when mention of the Aizawa incident came up, I found myself with an open invitation to visit her on my own time. Like hell I will. I lived it; I moved past it, I'm over it.

Yeah.

So I get a little paranoid at night and I don't make new friends that easily anymore. Just natural side effects, right? So there's nothing to talk about. Besides, I have Yuki. I don't need anything more than that. Speaking of which, I better get a move on before he gets really pissed. I stand up and stretch, turning the bedroom light off before heading down the hallway to the front door. I can hear the stereo I left on in the kitchen playing our newest single 'Memories' Pasts'. From what K told me, it's already blasting up the charts and if it's any indication then the album we just finished will sell more copies than ever before.

Good thing. I was a little worried about it since we put a rush job on the last few songs. Not that Suguru and I didn't mind the late nights or anything, since Ayaka's due any day now and Hiro is wanting to take time off after the birth. At least with that to worry about he finally got off my case. It helped that he didn't appreciate my new nickname for him.

I thought 'leech boy' was very appropriate.

I might have to give the name over to Tohma though. Sometimes I wonder how that man can work all day at NG as president, rehearse with Nittle Grasper, spend time with Mika, and STILL have time to come over and pester Yuki and I. He makes pretty good spaghetti though. Just wish he didn't make it so often.

"Shuichi?"

Ah, speak of the devil…

"Hm?"

"You were spacing out. Are you feeling okay?" Tohma asks, placing a hand on my forehead.

I wait patiently while he practically examines me like a doctor before giving him my patented 'I'm okay but if you don't stop I'm going to kill you smile'. I've learned a lot from Yuki in the past few months.

"I was just thinking, Tohma. Are we ready to go?"

"Beyond ready." Yuki says from the doorway. "We've been waiting on you."

Oh yeah. Heh heh.

"Sorry. Let's go!"

With one final glance, we all head down to Yuki and Tohma's cars. Thankfully Tohma is heading home now, so Yuki and I can spend the first day in our new apartment in peace and quiet. It's not a far drive, the place we picked out is just a few minutes away from my own apartment, but with traffic it takes forever. Since we're both pretty tired from packing all day, we sit in a comfortable silence. I finally learned how to separate my stage energy from my normal life energy. It's helped quite a bit. I know now that I don't always have to be performing like I'm on stage, that silence doesn't equal loneliness. Yuki appreciates that effort from me, just as I appreciate his effort to be more open about things. He smiles more, laughs some; not as much as other people maybe, but more than enough for me.

We both still have our tempers though. It's shown more than one time in the past few months. But Yuki made a promise to never kick me out again and I promised to never go anywhere but back to my own place if we fight and I leave. With this new apartment, we have a spare bedroom. So if we do fight, one of us is going to be using it instead of taking off in the middle of the night like a moron. Given my new stubborn streak, I doubt that someone is going to be me every time.

It took some convincing for Yuki to get an apartment with a spare bedroom though. He didn't like the idea of having an area that was practically marked 'overnight guests'. Tatsuha has already talked about coming to visit. And Yuki's already told him no way in hell. We both know the only reason he wants to come up here is to 'visit' Ryuichi. And while I love my rival to death, getting him and Tatsuha together is like asking for trouble.

And sex. Lots and lots of sex. I really do not want to think about the two of them 'christening' our guest room. Eww. Though it's nice to know that they're pursuing a real relationship finally. On the plane ride from New York, Tatsuha was all Ryuichi could talk about at some points, and I finally decided to get the two of them together for a date.

As Yuki said, it was the best and worst thing I could have possibly done. Uesugi-sama really hates me for it too. It's not my fault both his sons are gay damn it. At least he's lightened up about things in the last few months. I guess he realized that Mika no longer has power over Yuki in getting him to visit Kyoto. All that kind of shifted in my direction. It's not easy, but if I really want to, I can get Yuki to do anything I want.

And he can do the same to me. So I figure we're even.

A lot of things have changed and yet stayed the same. All of our friends still worry about us, check up on us, and pester us to death; but not like they use too. And not about the things they use too. Tohma and Mika don't worry about Yuki eating right or getting out of the house anymore. Given enough stubbornness, I can get him to do that. They do worry about both of us working too much though. If one or both of us loses track of time, we can easily do too much. They've even split off, with Tohma keeping track of me at NG and Mika keeping track of Yuki at home.

It's like tag-team wrestling with those two. And when Tatsuha and Ryuichi get together, they're about the same. I can't help but smile at that thought. I can see them all in little leotards and…ew. Nevermind. Thankfully, the apartment building comes into view. Maybe I can get the sick new mental images out of my head….

Finally, we pull into the underground garage and park. I start to get out, but Yuki's hand on my arm makes me stop. Turning around in the seat, I see him staring at me with a funny look on his face.

"What is it?"

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Ready? For what?"

The corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly as he replies. "To go home."

I smile and lean over in the seat to give him a long kiss. Breaking apart after a minute or so, I rest my forehead against his and smile again.

"Home. I like the sound of that."

We're both still smiling a bit as we grab some stuff and head upstairs. I can't help but think back to the last eight months or so and everything that's happened. I suppose when you get down to it, everything can be summoned up in the words Yuki spoke to me the night he asked me to move back in with him.

When I went over, he presented me with a small box and told me he had dinner reservations set up for us at a nice restaurant. I was confused about the occasion and said as much to him. He simply told me to open the box. Inside was a simple but beautiful gold necklace that, to this day, I have yet to take off. When I asked him what it was for, his reply was simple.

"Do you remember when you told me to figure out what exactly we're suppose to celebrate three years of and get back to you on it?"

I could only nod at that point, so he continued.

"Well I figured it out."

"Oh?" I asked. "And what do we have to celebrate after three years?"

He pulled me closer, slipping the necklace around my neck and securing it before giving me a gentle kiss. When he spoke, it was the kindest I'd ever heard him before that moment.

"Never giving up."


End file.
